Many people move into Hot Dish Land dreading the cold winters. Focusing on the negative can blind us to the positives. With a little practice, anyone can become savvy at telling themselves a positive narrative.
Positive Thinking in Minot, ND–
I’m not an expert at many things. A lover of learning, I tend to soak up information and skills, without ever committing them to lifelong practice. This comes in handy because I know a little bit about a lot of bits. If I need to know more, I can usually find someone who is more expert than myself.
Recently, however, I’ve been contemplating what my area of expertise is. After much thought, this is where I landed: I’m an expert at reshaping and reframing a narrative.
Let me explain.
I’m a pessimist by nature.
Naturally, I’m pessimistic. Or maybe I should say, pessimism was my normal, natural response to life’s circumstances throughout most of my life. Like any good pessimist, I never myself a pessimist. Instead, I insisted I was a “realist.” To me, optimism was foolish; a fantasy unlikely to come to fruition, ready to lead to disappointment. Deep inside, I wanted to believe the good, to be hopeful, but the negativity always won out. I thought if I assumed the worst, anything better would be a pleasant surprise.
After nearly 30 years of living with that mentality, I discovered the painful bits of life are just as painful—even if you tried to brace yourself for them. Disappointment still stings, even when you’ve convinced yourself its coming. Eventually, my unhealthy thought patterns and lack of emotional intelligence took a toll. I found myself facing devastating anxiety and depressive disorders.
I came to an ultimatum: find a way to fix what was going on in my thought life—or succumb to a life of sadness, maybe even suicide.
That was nearly seven years ago. Since then, I’ve worked really hard to shift my normal, natural pattern of thinking from assume-the-bad-negative, to honestly-positive. I’ve created a new “normal” in my mind. This way of thinking is just as realistic—if not more so—than my old “realist” habits.
Something positive and hopeful can be just as honest as something negative.
I learned that something positive and hopeful can be just as honest as something negative—even when examining the same circumstance. I learned that each of us has the right and authority to shape the narrative of our days. We get to decide what we will believe about our day when we recount it to others, and when we crawl into bed at night.
I do many things, but this is my area of expertise. My ability to reshape instinctually-negative narratives into something truthful, and positive is something in which I’ve achieved expert-level status.
Since beginning to write “She’s Not From Around Here,” I’ve gotten many, many messages sharing appreciation for my pleasant perspective on a place that many see through an inherently unpleasant lens. This reminds me, in a world that is often dark and confusing, uplifting words spoken with honesty are a balm. We are all drawn to hope.
While I appreciate the gratitude and compliments, I don’t want to take too much credit. I think this is a knack we can all develop with a little practice. We all have the ability to control our story, even if we can’t control the windchill.
Practice reframing the narrative.
Heading into winter—perhaps the hardest time to call North Dakota home, especially if you aren’t from around here—is the perfect time to start honing your own ability to reshape a narrative. To get you started, I’ll reframe a couple common winterisms for you.
“North Dakota winters are miserable.” Reframe it, and you’ve got something like, “Everyone knows insanely cold temperatures are uncomfortable, but our community works hard to provide fun (and often free) things to do that only happen during the cold months.”
“Winters last forever up here,” becomes, “Winter is a hard season, but spring, summer, and fall in North Dakota are absolutely stunning.”
“My kids are going crazy from being cooped up inside.” Rewrite that narrative and you’ve got, “My kids’ energy encourages us to get outside and play, or attend events even when it’s cold and I’d be tempted to stay home.”
You’ve got the power over the story you tell. With practice—whether you’ve lived here your whole life, or this will be your first winter—you can weave an honest narrative with a positive spin. Positivity won’t change the windchill, but it will help you get through the cold, dark months with your hope, and mind intact.
For more on positive living and an outsider’s life in Hot Dish Land, join me on Instagram and Facebook .
My prayers seemed to be met with silence. My perspective on unanswered prayer was about to change.
I had been praying for things to change for months. Over and over I asked God to remove the pain in my body and mind.
Still, the pain remained.
I sat on my patio in the warmth of the North Dakota summer sun and contemplated my reality. My body had been forever altered through a freak spinal injury during a low-impact fitness class. I thought surgery would fix the pain, the doctor said I was a perfect candidate.
Yet the pain remained. Somedays it was worse than before surgery.
Prescription painkillers took the edge off. I took them around the clock. Never did I imagine I’d be dependent on pills to function, but here I was.
Where Was God in The Unanswered Prayer?
My whole world seemed upside down. My body had failed, my thoughts were jumbled, my prayers felt stunted. Where was God?
If you’ve experienced blinding pain—whether emotional or physical—you will understand. Ongoing pain can send us drifting, especially when we try to anchor ourselves with something prone to floating away.
Unknowingly, that’s what I had done. I staked my self-worth and self-esteem on my physical performance and ability to work. When that was taken, the structure of my identity and faith began to crumble.
As I sat in the sun, I thought about the seemingly thousands of times I’d prayed for relief that never came. Then I asked myself a convicting question, “Do you worship God because you know He is the one and only God, because He alone has rescued you from the penalty of sin…or do you worship Him because you want Him to give you what you want?” Did my faith rely solely on the outcome of an unanswered prayer?
Prayer Is More Than Submitting Wishes To God
My prayer life had been distilled into one prayer—a wish—whispered repeatedly from my heart: Please make this pain go away. Heal my body. Make things how they used to be.
As Christians, we pray to a living God. This means our prayers do not need to be limited to wishes as though we’re tossing pennies into a fountain. Our prayers can be worshipful conversation. Prayer affords us the opportunity to sit at the throne of the Almighty God, to bask in His presence, seek His divine discernment, and allow the sheer majesty of His closeness to properly align our hearts. Prayer is so much more than closing our eyes to present a wish list (or worse, a to-do list) to God. It’s a conversation, it’s a gift.
In my distress and grief, I’d cast aside those truths about prayer. Day after day I submitted my singular request with no room for discussion, teaching, or transformation. That day in the sun, I faced a choice. Could I muster the courage to trust that God is good, holy, and true despite my physical and mental pain? Or did I only accept His sovereignty when I got what I wanted or didn’t need to depend on Him to move forward?
Maybe you are at a juncture requiring similar soul searching. What will your choice be?
Pain Doesn’t Equal Unanswered Prayer
I chose the former and set my pain up like an altar of remembrance. It was testimony that I chose Jesus, despite the pain of the world and imperfection of human existence. I prayed a new prayer in which I proclaimed to believe that God is who He says He is in Scripture—whether my pain vanished or never relented. As, as creatures of free will have the ability to intentionally trust that God is good and that His goodness can coexist with worldly suffering. Pain does not nullify His righteousness, omniscience or love for us.
God is an ally who sustains and redeems us as we traverse a world where we “will have trouble,” (John 16:33). He thwarts attacks from the enemy and turns them into assets in our personal ministry and redemption story.
When we find strength to overcome the lie that we’ve done faith wrong when we experience pain in this life, amazing things can happen. When our prayers seem to be unanswered, maybe it’s time to reassess the heart of our prayer. Are we too blinded by our ideals to see a gift God wants to give us? Is God trying to perform a bigger miracle that what we are envisioning?
Complete erasure of my pain would have been a miracle, but God did something bigger. He placed peace, joy, even happiness in my heart despite the pain. He paved a way for me to thrive and live abundantly—even in the midst of the pain. Sometimes the biggest miracle is the ability to stand firmly in peace while facing adversity that seems insurmountable (Ephesians 6:10-18).
Shifting My Perspective on Prayer Prepared Me For Trials To Come
I didn’t know it, but I was about to lose my mind. Even after this heart-changing moment, I would spiral into a life-threatening depression. Nearly everything I thought about God, marriage, myself and life would be put to the test, shaken and rebuilt in Truth.
There was great pain, but greater healing. I see now God was never far from me. He was with me as toxic thought patterns were extracted from my mind, poisonous lies were syphoned from my heart and destructive misconceptions were pruned from my faith. Consciously choosing to shift my perspective allowed God to step in and heal brokenness that had caused a lifetime of cyclical anxiety and depression. Starting with this shift in prayer-life, He began reaching in to bring about mental healing that would last. He began giving me something I didn’t even know to ask for.
When placed in God’s miraculous hands, He will take our suffering and use it as a medium to create redemption, ministry and joy. This journey starts when we summon the courage to humble ourselves enough to step aside and trust Him to be the good God He claims to be.
How Can I Help You Hold Onto Hope? I’m Here To Serve You.
Here are a few ways, but I’m always open to new ideas.
Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook where I share more about faith, finding rhythm in Bible study/prayer, my past with mental health and raising emotionally healthy littles.
Sign up for my monthly newsletter where I share encouragement, resources and recommendations.
Allow me to meet with your group in person or virtually to hear more about my testimony, discuss the intersection of Christianity and mental health, and field questions. Learn more about speaking engagements here.
If you are in a position of leadership or ministry, I offer consultation calls designed to answer questions and strategize ways to serve individuals grappling with their mental health.
The following is a brief overview of my mental health story. I put these words down in hopes that you’ll be encouraged to move forward and keep living. There is hope and life beyond depression and anxiety. You CAN overcome this.
In 2014 I was in the midst of a mental health crisis. An unexpected injury left me in chronic pain and I slid down a steep slope into debilitating depression and anxiety. Before this, I had never understood how suicide could seem like an appealing option. But after months of pain, reaching dead ends with mental health providers, and anguish within my thought-life, I began to experience suicidal ideation for myself.
It didn’t happen all at once. Little by little I devolved into a shadow of my former self. Daily tasks consumed all my energy and usually left me crying. I fluctuated between high strung panicky energy and utter lethargy.
Late one January night, I came to an ultimatum: find a better way to live, or this will kill you. Depression was eating me alive and if I didn’t address its root causes, I’d die by suicide. I was afraid, but just stubborn enough not to succumb.
Making Progress Toward Recovery
I contacted a Christian counselor with a rigorous outpatient program. After nearly a year of healthcare providers telling me I’d only ever be able to cope with the symptoms of depression and anxiety—I was offered real hope. By this time, I’d been a Saved and Jesus-professing Christian for most of my life. I thought I’d done faith wrong or deserved God’s wrath because I was depressed. Wasn’t that the opposite of joy—the fruit of the Spirit?
I cried in the office as he confidently told me this was something that could be overcome for good. The Word of God acted as a sword at the center of counseling. It sliced through lies and mental illness, making room for Truth and clarity to take root and grow.
My official diagnosis read major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, slight obsessive compulsive disorder. There may have even been a touch of psychosis.
Naming all the things that seemed to be “wrong” in my brain was scary. However, giving what I’d been experiencing an accurate diagnosis helped begin to untangle the mess in my mind. No one likes to be labeled but the label guides us to an appropriate antidote.
Recovery Interrupted
For me, recovery was not smooth. It was impacted by my lifestyle as a military spouse. Times of separation from my husband, stigma, hurtful words from healthcare providers who implied I was a burden to my husband’s career all had an impact. Then, just as things were beginning to improve my husband received orders for a short notice cross country move.
It was like getting sucker punched. Just as I had started to earnestly hope full recovery was possible, it seemed to be snatched away.
With my health in a precarious position, my husband and I sought to delay the move in order to afford me time to recover in a stable environment. This unleashed a complicated and painful fight that involved leadership, administrative offices, a medical board, and often forgoing privacy about the details of my condition. I remember one healthcare provider told me to “…try to wait and deal with this once my husband has retired,” because it would be “easier for everyone.” One solution offered to us was that my husband could proceed with the move and I could stay behind to finish counseling alone.
I felt ashamed, like a major problem no one knew how to deal with. I thought things would be easier for everyone if I didn’t exist.
Finding Victory
These circumstances nearly derailed my recovery, but somehow I survived. By God’s grace and an inborn stubborn streak I kept finding the strength to keep breathing. To wake up one more day. To explain myself one more time. To insist on getting help, to advocate for myself, to speak up when things were unacceptable.
Things were ugly—but I kept fighting for the life I hoped waited on the other side of mental illness. I can only take credit for showing up. The victory was won by God’s Truth, His goodness, might and power. He created a way for me to recover, despite a dynamic lifestyle. He taught me that victory is possible on this side of eternity. He showed me He is a safe space, an ally, a Good Father.
Lasting Healing Can Be Part of Your Mental Health Story
Six years ago I had my final relapse. I’ve spent these years retraining my brain to think in healthy patterns. Over time, these new healthy ways of responding have become my normal and natural reaction to all of life’s circumstances. Lies that had long masqueraded as fact have been exposed and replaced with God’s Truth. My value—your value—is not wrapped up in where we’ve been, how we perform or what others think of us. Our value was named when God chose to create us and deem us worthy of Salvation through His Son’s death. God bought us at a high price—that is our value, that is our identity. (1 Peter 1:18-19)
Overcoming takes time, work, and facing a lot of uncomfortable emotions—but it’s possible and it’s worth it. There is nothing special about me. I’m just a regular person who scrapped up enough strength to live one more hour at a time. If I can do it, so can you. There’s a life worth living on the other side.
That’s My Mental Health Story. Now, How can I serve you?
Here are a few ways, but I’m always open to new ideas.
Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook where I share more about my past with mental health and action steps for maintaining recovery, coping and raising emotionally healthy littles.
Sign up for my monthly newsletter where I share encouragement, resources and recommendations.
Allow me to meet with your group in person or virtually to hear more about my testimony, discuss mental health, and field questions. Learn more about speaking engagements here.
If you are in a position of leadership or ministry, I offer consultation calls designed to answer questions and strategize ways to serve individuals grappling with their mental health.
Let me tell you the story I most wanted to keep secret. It’s the experience I never wanted to live, the story I didn’t want affiliated with who I aimed to be, the tale I feared would both define and disqualify me.
I’ll keep it short. You can read a more detailed account here.
After years of enduring cyclical anxiety and depression, things came to a head. I experienced a full-blown mental health crisis. I lost my mind. That’s the core of my mental health story.
The reason I used to be shy about sharing this tale is that I thought it ended there. I thought losing my mind was the story. I mistakenly thought losing it was the most interesting and defining part of the saga. In the years since I’ve come to realize that that being mentally ill is not the most interesting part of the story.
No, friend. The most interesting part of this story isn’t what was lost, but what was found.
I found strength to fight.
I found a will to live when suicide seemed like the only peaceful option.
I found deeply held lies about myself and God and the Truth to uproot them.
I found a healthier marriage.
I found peace.
I found restoration.
I found healing that lasts.
I found a living God and redeeming love.
This list could go on and on. I discovered that a history of mental illness, suicidal ideation or believing lies doesn’t mean disqualification or ostracism. If you share this piece of history, or find yourself walking through a time of mental trial, hold onto this truth: you are not disqualified from a thriving future, you are not destined for ostracism.
You’re Not Disqualified | You Can Find Victory
I used to be afraid having walked through life-threatening mental illness would mean I’d never be seen as fit or trustworthy again. This is a lie. Instead, this experience uniquely qualifies me to proclaim God’s power and ability to restore beauty to life’s ugliest bits.
It qualifies me to encourage you in the midst of a mental health battle or in the midst of loving someone who is. If you are wondering if there is can be lasting healing or a life worth living on the other side, let me offer you a generous helping of hope. Allow me to come alongside you who are looking for courage, strength and proof that overcoming is possible.
The redemption waiting for you will qualify you, too. Not just to testify that mental health disorders can be overcome, but for a life exemplifying victory. On the other side of this you will be poised to empathize and encourage others.
Some Things Are Better Off Lost
I’m here to serve you. This story isn’t just about me. It’s about creating a vivid “word-image” of often invisible conditions and unseen pain. It’s about testifying to the possibility of mental wellness, God’s goodness and victory on this side of eternity.
Instead of asking you to raise your hand to admit you’ve lost your mind, I’d like to boldly raise mine first. Just because something gets lost doesn’t mean it can’t be found. Sometimes losing something makes room for finding something better.
Honestly, some things are better off lost and left behind. Depression, fear, anxiety, self-loathing, self-harm and lies are a few of those things.
I Lost My Mind, Now I’m Here to Serve You. How Can I Help?
Here are a few ways, but I’m always open to new ideas.
Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook where I share more about my past with mental health and action steps for maintaining recovery, coping and raising emotionally healthy littles.
Sign up for my monthly newsletter where I share encouragement, resources and recommendations.
Allow me to meet with your group in person or virtually to hear more about my testimony, discuss mental health, and field questions. Learn more about speaking engagements here.
If you are in a position of leadership or ministry, I offer consultation calls designed to answer questions and strategize ways to serve individuals grappling with their mental health.
Mental Health for military spouses is a tricky subject.
Navigating a mental health crisis is never easy. Mental health for military spouses can be especially difficult.
Coping with and recovering from a mental health battle as a member of the military community (whether active duty or dependent) presents challenges not faced by other populations. Deployments, TDYs, PCS-ing, new assignments, finding a Tricare approved provider, frequent changes in PCM and stigma are just a some of the factors affecting mental health among those in or affiliated with our armed forces.
If you can relate to anything above, this is a place for you. I have a message of hope for you.
Let my experience offer you hope, encouragement and insight.
In 2014 I began suffering from anxiety while stationed at Minot, AFB with my husband. Before finding full, lasting recovery in the summer of 2016 I fell into the depths of a frightening (even life-threatening) depression. I sought help, but the dynamic of life as a military spouse and the military healthcare system created peculiar roadblocks toward healing.
While searching for answers and help getting to the root of the anxiety and depressive disorder I was experiencing I faced dismissiveness, inability to book appointments, implication that my mental health could negatively affect my husband’s career, multiple PCM changes (a lack of healthcare continuity), a lack of privacy, TDY separations and orders to move in the middle of my mental health crisis. The stigma of admitting my mental health struggle was real, heavy and painful.
I wanted a better way to live. I didn’t want to be trapped by mental illness, but felt hopeless, helpless and confused. Every time I made some progress something major would shift in our life and it all came crashing down again. Attempting to recover as a military spouse seemed like playing Jenga inside a bounce house.
My experience wasn’t seamless. There were many times I met dead ends as I sought help and received hurtful counsel from military healthcare professionals along the way.
Normalize Conversations About Mental Health For Military Spouses, You’re Worth More
It’s time to normalize conversations about mental health, eliminate stigma and illuminate the path toward healing within our military family. Finding help and overcoming anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders is possible—even in our dynamic lifestyle. By sharing what I’ve learned I aim to help others avoid plummeting to a crisis (like me), and more quickly reach a place of stability and recovery.
I’m here to cheer on our military community as it becomes a better, safer space for getting mental healthcare. I’m here to advocate for true resilience—not just putting on a brave face.
Mostly, I’m here to testify that overcoming a mental health crisis as a military spouse is possible. You can find peace, you can thrive despite the difficult circumstances this lifestyle presents. You aren’t alone. You aren’t a burden. Your value doesn’t come from how well you handle all the things while your spouse is away—or how seamlessly you deal with change.
No, friend. Your value comes from something more precious than that. God named your value when He created you in His image and deemed you worthy of the ransom He paid rescue you from the penalty of sin—death. This ransom was paid with the blood of Jesus, God’s own Son. (1 Peter 1:18-19)
Your worth runs deep. God’s peace and goodness can triumph over any circumstances. I’ve seen it happen in my life and I know it can happen in your life too.
How Can I Help You? I’m Here to Serve.
Let’s work together to bring positive change to the intersection of military life and mental health. Here’s how I can help.
Schedule a consultation call. Ask me anything you’d like about my experience with mental health and military life. Contact me here.
Let me join your group. I’d love to share my experience and offer hope to your group in person or virtually. Contact me here.
Use my experience (the good and bad bits) to better serve your people. If you are in a leadership or ministering to the military community, I’d can help you strategize ways to support mental health for those you serve. Contact me here.
Welcome to the Minot Coffee Directory! Here you’ll find all of Minot’s coffee shops and their important details in one place. Big thank you to my friends at BeLOCAL and the local Minot coffee shops for helping get this out. BeLOCAL helps you live like a local here in Minot, by filling you in on upcoming events, ideas and information–so you always know what’s going on in the community.
Below, featured Minot’s coffee shops are listed (in no particular order.) These shops partnered with me to create this directory–but in my opinion, there’s no bad coffee shop in Minot, so you should try them all.
At the bottom is a complete directory, sorted by location. For more on life in Minot, click here.
WITH ROOM COFFEE SHOP
With Room is wildly popular in town and it’s pretty clear why. The atmosphere alone is worth a visit, but the coffee, goodies, and (of course) the plants will keep you coming back. They also offer delivery! Watch their Facebook/Instagram for deals, and grab their app for quicker delivery ordering.
Address: 400 E Central Ave STE 103
Hours: M-F 6:30AM-3:30PM Sat/Sun 7AM-3:30PM
PERKY’S
Perky’s is a quick drive through coffee shop on North Hill. They offer classic coffee drinks as well as white coffee, teas, and drinks for the kids. Be sure to follow their Facebook page, where they share specials drinks and discounts (discounts are offered frequently!)
Address: 2601 N Broadway
Hours: Mon-Fri 6AM-6PM, Sat 7AM-3PM
GINNA’S
Ginna’s is the perfect place to grab a coffee while at the mall. They are located inside SCHEELS and are my go-to when I make a Target run. Ginna’s offers craft roasted coffee and baked goods–some prepared fresh in house. Insider tip: stop in during Happy Hour between 9:30-11am or 3-4pm.
Address: 2400 10th St SW
Hours: Mon-Fri 9:30AM-9PM, Sat 9AM-7PM, Sun 11AM-6PM
COFFEE BARN
Coffee Barn is a drive through coffee shop with a great south side location. They are committed to delivering very high quality coffee and a friendly experience. Service is fast and friendly, and they are clear that family-first company. Check in for specials and monthly features.
Address: 1400 31st Ave SW
Hours: Mon-Fri 7AM-3PM, Sat 9AM-3PM
MINOT’S DAILY BREAD
Minot’s Daily Bread offers a great coffee and delicious eats. Their full menu includes sandwiches, bakery items, crepes and (of course) bread. Come in and sit down to enjoy coffee and a meal, or use their drive through for a quick stop.
Now here’s the whole list. The Minot Coffee Directory has nearly all your coffee options in one place. For ease, this list omits restaurants that offer coffee–unless coffee is one of their specialties. As the weather gets colder this is a perfect time to visit all the shops on this list! Download a PDF here or scroll down to check it out here.
DOWNLOADTHE COFFEE DIRECTORY
sign up and download a PDF version of the coffee directory for easy reference.
All set!
I NEED YOUR HELP | BEFORE YOU GO…
I’m writing a book about my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
The following is an excerpt from a journal I kept during our most recent deployment like. This is what deployment is really like for the spouse left behind.Another excerpt can be read here. More on military life can be found here.
What is it really like to have your spouse deployed? Here’s what I wish I knew before deployment.
I’m often asked what deployment is really like. What things come to fruition that I expected, what didn’t happen, what took me by surprise, what’s hard…?It’s hard to come up with answers when I’m not living it. Once the deployment (or any type of prolonged separation) is over, the feelings and the reality of what daily living entailed becomes blurry in my mind. Knowing specific feelings and specific circumstances of deployment living would have been such a gift to me when I was a young wife, completely clueless as to what a lifestyle of routine separation would look like and feel like.
I hope I can extend that gift to someone else, now that I’ve lived and learned from years as a military spouse.
This part is painful. It catches me off guard, but also perfectly encapsulates what deployment is really like.
Something painful that catches me off guard everytime Derek has to be away for a length of time is the seeming erasure of his presence from our daily life. It happens gradually. First, he packs up his items from the medicine cabinet, leaving gaps where our nightly and morning routines were tangibly intertwined. A chunk of clothes and uniforms are gone from the closet. His boots aren’t next to the door.
After he leaves I gradually move anything he has left out of place and put it away. His notebook, his flight bag, the small pile of cough drops on his night stand–they are all sorted and stored.
In a week or so, there are no more of his clothes in the hamper. They are all clean and replaced in the drawers where he’ll use them again, but not for months. Soon after that, the foods he prefers have gone bad or I’ve eaten them, and they don’t reappear on the grocery list or in the cupboards. The smells that accompany him–his shampoo, the scent of his shaving cream, the uniform smell that clings to his flight suit–they are gone.
Eventually, the gender-neutral scented body wash we share runs out and I’ll replace it with something specifically feminine. I stop hanging the car keys up and instead keep one set in the diaper bag and one set in my purse. No one else needs to use them, or find them.
The Last Bit
A few days ago I changed the sheets on our bed. Yes, I know it’s been more than a month and maybe that’s gross. But honestly, keeping my own bed fresh has been the least of my priorities since Derek left. I both loved and hated getting into a gloriously clean bed. Everything felt so fresh, like sleeping at a hotel. But with the washing of sheets and swapping them out, it was like officially washing Derek out of our bed too.
Yes, he’s coming back. That doesn’t stop me from feeling grief in a season of my life spent with evidence of my husband’s existence removed from my daily living.
The gaps that his things left are soon filled. I leave a few more shoes of my own by the door. A few extra toiletries have migrated to the medicine cabinet. I’ve created a cocoon in the middle of our bed and my night time necessities take residence on both night stands. The hook where his towel hung is occupied by Silas’ sleepsack. The hanger that held his coat is empty and leaves extra room for another of Gideon’s sweatshirts.
It’s a visible trail of absence. It happens every time Derek leaves. I wish someone would have prepared me for it. It’s an odd feeling. I know he’ll come back and I can’t wait to push my things aside to make room again.
What is deployment really like? It’s like that.
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO…
I’m writing a book about my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Previously, I shared a bit about my personal experience with suicidal thoughts. After publishing, I heard from an unexpected number of women–some military dependents, some not. Many held similar fears of hurting their husband’s career or being a burden to those they love. Today is a follow up on the lie that suicide is a loving option. Today I’ll walk us through the maze that love, suicide and mental health can form.
So many who struggle with mental health can relate to perceiving themselves as a burden. It’s a bizarre and dangerous headspace. You dislike yourself and what your existence has become–but you love the people around you. Eventually your perception of yourself becomes so toxic, you start to believe the lie that eliminating yourself is the most loving thing you can do for those around you.
Being you has become unbearable. Ergo, being with you must be unbearable for those you love.
Being you has become unbearable. Ergo, being with you must be unbearable for those you love.
Like I said, it’s a slippery, dangerous trail of thinking–but others in our community have been there.
What can be done?
Depression is a Liar. Turn to the Truth.
First, remember depression is a liar. Then turn to the source of Truth, the Bible.
When I had those toxic thoughts, Derek kindly pointed me to the “Love Chapter,” 1 Corinthians 13. After all, love for the man I married was one of the only things that hadn’t blurred out of focus. With this starting point, I began unravelling a mess of lies. Line by line, piece by piece I cognitively examined what Scripture outlines as loving–at a time when I thought disappearing might be the most loving solution available.
Here’s a bit of how that process looked for me.
Love is patient.
In the Greek this is literally “to persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles; to be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others.” Now apply that to this toxic thinking.
Love patiently, persistently waits, knowing help and healing may take a while. Those who love you will wait with you, being “slow to anger, slow to punish.” Loving yourself means understanding it takes patience to heal.
Love is kind.
Being kind to yourself means having grace while you find help. Being kind to Derek meant showing grace to the person he loves (me), and choosing intentionally kind words to speak about myself and him.
Love is not jealous/envious.
Love is not jealous of another’s circumstance. Those who love you are not jealous of a different circumstance. I needed to stop comparing myself, situation, troubles, etc to anyone or anything else.
Love trusts.
Choose to trust your loved ones when they tell you, you aren’t a burden. Trust your own tenacity and ability to overcome.
Love hopes.
Love for yourself and those around you means continuing to hope. Hope for a solution. Live in the joy of hope—even when enduring sadness and hardship. Find strength to hope for a future without depression and anxiety. Love does not interfere with others’ hoping for these things alongside you.
Love perseveres/endures.
Real love continues to persevere until a help can be found. Elimination of self is not loving perseverance. Those who love you will persevere through the season. Show love to them by choosing to persevere until help and healing can take root.
The Most Loving Thing You Can Do is Persevere in Finding Healing.
The darkness of depression can cause, even the clearest-thinking individual to become confused by lies and sadness. Depression is painful, can feel shameful and embarrassing, the mental agony can seem unbearable. If you’re there right now, know that healing is possible and it’s out there. The most loving thing you can do is persevering to find healing—not eliminating yourself.
If You Love Someone Struggling, Point Them to the Truth In Love.
If someone you love is in this headspace, love them by pointing them gently to Truth. Remind them it won’t always be like this, they are not a burden, and you’ll fight for healing alongside them. It might save their life.
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO…
Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Above all, thank you for being here and for your support. It’s an honor to share my testimony with you and I’m excited to see the great things God does through your journey.
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