The following is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote at the beginning of Derek’s most recent deployment. While he was quarantined stateside (but gone from our home), we had a Zoom meeting with a young couple as part of their premarital counseling. They are the exact ages we were when we got married, 22 and 23. They’d soon be starting their life as a married, military couple. The question we discussed that most stands out to me is, “What is a good thing about deployments?”
Our conversation blessed me. We were two weeks into our latest separation, my first as a mom of two. Honestly, I felt like I was drowning. The clarity this conversation forced on me is exactly what I needed. It was God showing up in the midst of the grief the early days of deployment always bring.
I captured a series of self portraits during the deployment. This one was taken on the day I’d be asked, “What is something good about deployments?”
WHAT IS A GOOD THING ABOUT DEPLOYMENTS?
I glanced at the monitor, amazed that everyone was quiet and sleeping so our conversation could be had in peace. Deployment leaves you a special, unique kind of tired. Today was no exception, but at the same time I was glad to be having this conversation.
“Okay, the next question is…What is something good that comes from times of separation and deployments? Can you tell us a good thing about deployments?” What a wise question to ask.
I was surprised by the answer that was ready on my lips.
“The best thing about being separated from Derek for a season is that it brings clarity about my identity. It forces me to recognize that I am fully complete in Christ alone. My identity does not rest upon being Derek’s wife, or having him around. When he’s gone, I remember that I am fully equipped and capable in Christ to carry on and do what life will ask of me.
“I tend to be a bit of a leech, clinging on to whatever is familiar, especially my people. I had terrible separation anxiety from my parents as a child–then from Derek as an adult. That’s not healthy. These seasons force me to break off any unhealthy attachment and remember that it’s okay to just be Amy. Don’t get me wrong, I hate being away from Derek. But good always comes from it. Good will always come when we more fully submit our identity to God.”
I stand by that. Is it painful? You betcha. Do I wish it could be done a different way? Yep. But this is good. Really good. The kind of good that would be a lot harder to find if I wasn’t forced into a deployment circumstance.
I wish someone had told me that 12 years ago. I wish someone had told me lots of things 12 years ago.
There is hope, there is reason, there is progress. Even in these terribly hard days. It seems like no good will ever come from being forced apart, but with God good things are always probable.
Separation Diary: March 26, 2021
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO
Recently, I started penning sample chapters for a memoir detailing my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Above all, thank you for being here and for your support. It’s an honor to share my testimony with you and I’m excited to see the great things God does through your journey.
Minot Monday is made possible through a partnership with BeLOCAL Minot. Today I’m sharing reliable ways to embrace life in Minot. These are the things that took me from newcomer to, “Minot is my town.” For more tips, lists and information on living like a local be sure to follow BeLOCAL.
For me, the hardest part of the military lifestyle has been moving. The seemingly endless uprooting and starting over. That’s part of the reason we requested to come back to Minot. Yes, we love it here–but starting over from the ground up is exhausting. Any military family can attest.
So, if you’re here for the first time, welcome. I’m glad you’re in Minot. I know what it’s like to be new in town. In lots of towns. Of all the places we’ve explored, Minot is close to the top of the list of places we most enjoy living. However, it wasn’t easy finding our place in town when we first arrived in the summer of 2012.
Through luck, a few good acquaintances and my tenacity to figure out how to live like a local, we eventually found our way. The truth is, there’s a difference between living in and deciding to embrace life in Minot. Only you can choose which you’ll pursue. Here are my best tips for settling in and beginning to embrace life in Minot.
Find a Church
Settling in and investing in a church home truly gave us a place in town. We made friends, became invested and contributed our skills to a cause we are passionate about: The Kingdom of Christ. If you are a church-goer, muster the tenacity to keep “church-shopping” until you find a good fit.
If you aren’t a church-goer, that’s okay too. Churches are great places for investing in the community or just forming relationships. Most Minot churches I’m familiar with would welcome a newcomer to town with open arms–whether your beliefs fully align or not. Join a small group, volunteer, play sports. Church is a great first contact for feeling at home.
Mourn Your Loss
If you are moving to Minot from a place you loved, it’s okay to be sad. Take time to mourn your loss. Being uprooted is painful, especially if you didn’t have a choice in when or where you needed to move next. Be sad, but don’t wallow in misery. Allow that wound to heal and intentionally seek ways to begin enjoying your life here.
Be Openminded
I say this all the time: Minot is unlike anywhere else you’ve lived. It’s my golden rule. Don’t expect Minot to be Dallas, Pensacola, Washington DC, Omaha, Shreveport, Salt Lake City, or anywhere else. It’s just Minot. Embrace it for the quirky, sitcom-vibing place it is. Stay openminded about the life you can build here.
Invest in the Community
Find something you love or hate about town and invest there. As a community, Minot is incredibly receptive to new ideas. Hop on board with something you love and are passionate about. Or, pinpoint something you passionately dislike and work to change it.
If you have an idea and plan, chances are others will rally around you. Minot is one of the few places I’ve lived where an individual can have a significant impact, even if they only live in town for a few years.
Be Social
Minot is a social town. Events happen all the time, and the folks who go to one event usually go to others. Start attending and you’ll start running into familiar faces. Keep up with the BeLocal Instagram feed and the Visit Minot calendar to see what’s happening. Be intentional about getting out year round and you’ll start to appreciate what Minot has to offer.
From a mental health standpoint, socializing will offer healing and isolation will only fester your wounds and allow lies and dissatisfaction to breed. I know it can be scary, but truly be intentional about getting out when things are going on.
Introduce Yourself
Making new friends is hard. I get it, but you can do it. Here are ten places I’ve made friends in Minot:
Kids activities (Fun Zone, Story Times, Library Activities)
Group Fitness Classes
Church
Serving on a nonprofit board
Reaching out to people with like interests on Instagram
Taking a class
Volunteering
Military spouse groups/events
Work
Being a regular at a cafe/restaurant/shop
You Can Do This
The season of change is a difficult one. But trust me when I say, Minot is glad to have you. Give it time, give it a chance. Minot might not be a dream home for everyone, but I believe anyone can enjoy their time here.
One More Thing…I Need a Favor
Recently, I started penning sample chapters for a memoir detailing my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Above all, thank you for being here and for your support. It’s an honor to share my testimony with you and I’m excited to see the great things God does through your journey.
Let’s talk about depression, anxiety and Christians for a sec. In this quick read, I’ll give you 8 powerful truths I’ve learned (the hard way) for depressed Christians
Memories of struggling against anxiety, overwhelming sadness, fear and self loathing reach back as far as I can remember. I was raised in a loving, church-going family. My parents gave me a wonderful life. I understood the plan of Salvation at 7 and believed Jesus was my Savior. At 12 I gave my heart to Christ with a more mature understanding of what following Him meant.
After that, I fell more deeply in love with Jesus every day and through every season. But still, the fear and sadness crippled me sometimes. Still, I blamed myself for things that went wrong, things that cause me hurt, things that thwarted my ambitions, and all the other things that were out of my control. As a result, my shoulders ached from carrying the burden of my own emotions—and taking on too much responsibility for the emotions of others.
I prayed, I went to church, I professed Jesus with my heart and my lips. Still, the anxiety came and went. Still, depression cyclically set up camp in my heart. Things weren’t right.
Why Are So Many Christians Anxious and Depressed?
In January 2015 I was in the heart of a mental health crisis. Panic set in most nights. Racing, intrusive thoughts pushed their way into my mind, preventing the rest I needed so badly. One of the scariest thoughts that came to mind over and over is this one:
“You fail at everything. Even Salvation. If you’d done Salvation right, this wouldn’t be happening.”
Friend, I can’t tell you why I struggled so deeply. I can’t give you an easy fix. Shortly after those panicky nights in 2015 full healing began to take place. I’ve spent the years since retraining my brain to think differently, to sort out lies and live outside of the anxiety/depression cycle. There’s hope, there’s healing. However, I’ve spent time wondering “why me?” and “why do so many Christians experience anxiety and depression?”
I don’t have the answer now, and I probably never will. But here are some hard-won truths I can share with you.
Truths About Depression, For Christians
Experiencing depression and anxiety as a Christian doesn’t mean your faith is broken. It doesn’t mean you aren’t faithful. It doesn’t mean your salvation isn’t intact. It doesn’t mean you prayed wrong. It doesn’t mean you’ve done Christianity wrong. It doesn’t mean God is punishing you. It doesn’t mean God “designed” or “destined” you for sadness. It doesn’t mean God isn’t good.
It means we have a very bad enemy who aims to thwart the Kingdom of Christ by inflicting isolation and sadness upon those who bear witness to His relational nature and unstoppable joy.
Do your best to get to the root of what is causing your fear and sadness. Talk to a counselor. Uproot lies. Get a clear understanding of God’s character.
We’ll never have all the answers, but we will always have all the Hope. Never forget that the God of the Bible, is at His core, a God of Hope.
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Recently, I started penning sample chapters for a memoir detailing my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Please take a moment to join me on Instagram, Facebook and via email (sign up below). Above all, thank you for being here and for your support. It’s an honor to share my testimony with you and excited to see the great things God does through your journey.
In January, Derek came home with the unexpected news that he’d been assigned to an upcoming deployment. For me, momentum had been building steadily with my writing goals and I’d finally said, “Yes,” to God’s prompting to start penning a long-form memoir about my experience with mental health crisis. In that moment in the kitchen, after the boys were in bed and my hand was on the blender, preparing to mix my nightly protein shake, everything came to a halt.
Now instead of feeling creative and ready to move forward toward the things I believed God had clearly set in front of me—I was frozen. As if I was unknowingly playing freeze tag, this moment was my tag, causing me to stop midstride.
Have you ever had a moment like that?
My entire focus shifted. We planned for months apart. Seven, to be exact. Uneasiness and uncertainty welled up inside every time I thought about doing life without my husband for “most of a year.”
Writing is always a welcome outlet for me, but when military assignments, especially deployments, are in the picture, the best policy is silence. Unable to fully disclose was what happening in our home and in my heart, I wrote vaguely about anxiety and emotions. The headspace once open for writing, book proposals, and dreaming up creative endeavors was crowded out with dreaming up reasonable consequences for a defiant three year old and ways to convince an infant to sleep all night.
Hemmed in by daily responsibility, fatigue and operational security measures, I felt claustrophobic. Stuck. Lodged between the need for silence and the desire to share my heart transparently.
Finding Freedom Within Hard Circumstances
I had an image of a dog pulling on a taut tether in my mind. I was frustrated to be restrained in my pursuits. However, as in all difficult seasons, growth happened and peace grew once I stopped straining against the circumstances. Like the frustrated dog, when I stopped snapping my jaws at things beyond my leash, my throat relaxed and I could breathe again.
I wasn’t off the tether, I wasn’t unstuck—but I was able to thrive in the space I was given at the time. I was able to see the unique beauty and opportunity within these circumstances. God is a kind, responsiblemaster. The tether He gives us is always long enough for the space we’re in at the time.
I loosened my grip on the things I thought I’d accomplish in these months and allowed myself to be happy amid the daily grind of wiping faces and preparing PB&Js. It wasn’t a perfect practice. Many days I was overwhelmed and cranky because I remembered that I was stuck in some respects. But mostly, we were okay.
Moving Forward Again
Now, I’m coming down from a season of heightened awareness. The kind that comes from being vigilant for two. My mind is shaking loose. I’m becoming unstuck, dislodged. As a person recently stuck, here’s my advice:
Circumstances can leave you stuck, really stuck, but circumstances are faithful to change and you’ll move forward again. When you are stuck in one way, growth will be forced in another way. Find a way to weather the circumstances you’re in, even enjoy them. Eventually, the growth that stalled will move forward again.
Why the Deployment Ended Early and Why I Would Have Been Okay, Even if it Didn’t.
PS—for anyone wondering how seven months apart turned into four, it went something like this. Shortly after Derek left, President Biden announced all troops would be out of Afghanistan by September 11. That would reduce our time apart to six months.
One day in early June Derek mentioned the possibility of an even earlier return. Then, in late June, just days before I would travel to Indiana with the boys he told me his homecoming was imminent. We’d be back together after only four months apart. I was surprised that I wasn’t overwhelmed with giddy relief. Instead, I felt excitement, but also a deep confidence that we’d be okay if he really didn’t return for a few more months. This was puzzling at first, but ultimately a sign of growth, hard fought, well earned.
More Positivity and Encouragment
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Let’s talk about feeling anxiety again after overcoming anxiety.
We got some hard news last week.
In fact it’s the kind of news that is “triggering” for me. Five years ago it would have plunged me into a full panic attack followed by inability to eat, anger, and a dark depression that froze me from carrying out basic daily tasks.
Although I now think of myself as “healed from anxiety and depression,” there is still a corner of my mind that is fearful it will return. Sometimes I’m afraid things will fall completely apart again. And if it does, how will I ever recover?
If you’ve ever dealt with ongoing depression or anxiety you may relate. When I lived with chronic cycles of anxiety and depression I didn’t know when the next lapse would come. When would the news arrive that would plunge me underwater? How long would it last? Would I survive? Would my marriage survive? How many things would fall apart in the meantime?
So, when the news came and met me in my kitchen while I was mid-blend on my nightly smoothie—I felt some fear. I felt an icy cold flash shutter down my body. I felt my heartrate pick up. My mind ran wild with a million thoughts—too fast to capture one and pin it down.
And all the while, I heard my mind whispering, “Is this it? Is this the moment that proves there really is no healing? You are anxious. If you’ve found healing you shouldn’t be anxious.”
After a few minutes, which felt much longer, I realized I wasn’t succumbing. No, this wasn’t a relapse—or the moment that proves healing doesn’t exist. It was a moment that proves that anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, and fear are part of the human experience.
“It was a moment that proves anxiety, sadness and overwhelm are part of the human experience.”
Let me lay some hard-learned truths on you:
If you’ve battled anxiety, depression, self-loathing or any kind of plaguing negativity—healing does exist and it is possible. This is not a cycle you need to live in forever.
Bad news will come knocking. There’s no way to live a life filled with only easy, happy moments.
Living above anxiety doesn’t mean never feel anxious again. It means you’re able to experience anxiety, process it and return to equilibrium and rational thought in a reasonable timeframe.
When something triggers you, it is possible to take your thoughts captive. Your mind works for you—you are its master, not a slave to runaway thoughts.
When something triggers you, you are allowed to grieve through the sadness and anxiety. Being healed from anxiety doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel those emotions.
You are allowed to grieve. If you are feeling anxiety again, even after overcoming anxiety–you aren’t broken.
The truth about grieving is that it is proactive, productive and comes to an end.
Here’s how things progressed for me: I didn’t magically feel instantly better. I didn’t get it figured out. My mind continued to race. My stomach felt sick. I didn’t drink my smoothie. I cried and questioned and mourned that I couldn’t create a quick solution. The night was restless. My eyes were puffy in the morning. Tears started up again over the coffee maker. All the while my heart was crying out in groans only the Holy Spirit could interpret—because I wasn’t even sure how to pray. Eventually I pulled myself together through most of the day. But then the tears started again over dinner.
Days passed. Slowly things got easier, more clear. The shock wore off and anxiety hadn’t swallowed me up. Nothing was fixed, but Derek and I were united in prayer and making an intentional choice to trust God. To stand on the Truth that He can bring blessing and redemption from awful circumstances. We’ve seen Him do it before and we believe He can do it again.
I can’t tell you how this particular season is going to resolve. But this is a testimony that you are allowed to feel anxious, even after overcoming anxiety.
Formore encouragement, testimony and applicable techniques and tips for a positive, intentional life, join me on Instagram and Facebook!
These are crazy, but true comments made to expectant moms (pregnancy comments) submitted by YOU! Read them all here, or head over to Instagram for an IGTV reading of some of my favorites!
I know I get BIG when I’m pregnant. It bothered me the first time around, but during my second go–I’ve come to accept it. This is how I carry a baby. There isn’t much I can do about it. For me, comments about my size start rolling in around 20 weeks. I get the basics, “Whoa! You’re only half way?!” “Must be twins!” “Any day now, right?”
But I also get more colorful comments. And that’s where this post stems from. Honestly, I don’t mind the comments. They’ve provided months worth of story telling, laughter and entertainment. So, after I had one of my best (worst) pregnancy encounters a couple weeks ago, I asked you–my lovely friends and community to share your stories of things strangers just had to tell you while you were pregnant. You delivered–and it’s been pure, cringe-worthy fun putting this list together. I’ll start with mine.
1. The Garage Sale
A couple weeks ago I hosted a garage sale with a friend. During the sale, we posted it to various Facebook groups and Marketplace. Someone responded, very interested in an item they saw in a photos. I told her it was $3 and available. She said she’d come pick it up.
A bit later, a van arrived. A nice man got out and picked up the item. The woman I’d been texting with said “Hi,” from the passenger seat. Then things took a weird turn.
The back sliding door opened, to reveal a full passenger set. A young girl (young as in, in her 20’s) said, “I’m just wondering, how far along are you?”
Me: I honestly haven’t kept track of weeks. I’m having a C-section on the 16th–so I’m pretty close!
Her: *ponders for a moment* It’s just that I was SO MUCH smaller than you when I was full term.
Me: *looks around awkwardly, fishing for something to say* Ok.
Her: I mean, you look fine. I was just so much smaller.
Me: Laughs. Yes, I get pretty big. It was the same with my first. I get comments all the time. It would be really nice to be like you and stay small though.
Her: Haha, yeah.
Me: Okay, well… have a good one.
Then the door closed and they drove off. And it’s fine. I wasn’t even offended. It just struck me–how BIG did I need to look for a girl to need to open the door and tell me that I am SO MUCH BIGGER than she was when she delivered?! I mean, to her, I must have been an anomaly. A sight so bizarre she just had to slide open that door and bring it up. I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.
Now Your Stories of Comments Made to Expectant Moms
Names aren’t included–just to keep things nice and anonymous. And remember, these are shared in fun. (And maybe to do just a tiny bit of educating the general public on how weird they sound when they talk to–or touch–a pregnant lady.) No responses have been changed, only edited for clarity and punctuation.
2. The 17 Week Twins
I’m a balloon when pregnant. I was 17 weeks along with my second and some older lady in the grocery store came up and touched my belly without asking and then started asking when the twins were due because it must be soon.
3. The Excited Grandpa
I was approached in the baby section at Target by an excited grandpa to be. He was like “WOW that’s one monster baby in that belly. You look skinny everywhere else!” I was like, “Hmmmmm…thanks.” We all had a good laugh.
In all fairness she was a big -9#7oz. I knew she was bigger than my son too. It was a rough last few weeks of pregnancy.
I was huge with all 3 pregnancies though. My middle baby was the biggest at 9.7# Other two were 8.7#. And I was overdue with all and induced.
4. Aladdin’s Lamp
With my first pregnancy, a guy (about my age that I barely knew) walked up to me at church and started rubbing my belly before I knew what was happening. Then commented about how he just had to touch the belly.
5. A Loss For Words
Pregnant with my 1st. I was in an elevator at the hospital (my dad had open heart surgery). I was only about 28 weeks and this random guy asked me if there were two in there. After laughing I said, “nope as far as we know just 1!” And he just said “Wow!”
6. Unwelcome Dieting Advice
Around 35 weeks with my 2nd in which I didn’t gain as much weight [as with my first] but still looked large. I was at a holiday dinner party in a fancy restaurant. Pregnancy hunger struck and I went back for 2nds then 3rds… and the nurse on staff at the time looked at me and told me I better slow down on how much I’m eating because it’s not good to over indulge. I excused myself to the bathroom and cried. Little did we know our little guy would arrive just 1.5 weeks later at 36 weeks.
7. What, Are You Bored?
Because we had multiple kids so close together, I heard the same lines on repeat… “You do know what causes that, don’t you?!” or “Don’t you guys have a TV?!” So. Many. Times.
I also got plenty of unsolicited and without permission belly touching, and comments about my belly being so HUGE, but don’t worry, because it’s totally proportional! (So the rest of me is totally huge?)
8. Repeated Inquiries
My father-in-law has severe Alzheimer’s so I’ve heard quite a few awkward things multiple times. This pregnancy, he asked me “Are you pregnant again?!” “Is it twins? Are you sure? What if you’re wrong?” “When are you going to have that baby anyway?”
9. Twins are SUCH a Blessing
My last pregnancy, I was waiting for the elevator with an elderly woman at my ob’s office. She says “Twins are such a blessing!” I reply, “Yes they are, but I’m not having twins.”
She says “Oh really? Well maybe the Dr is wrong. I had a friend who gave birth to twins and the Dr thought she was going to have one baby.” It took everything in me not to say “Well we aren’t in the 1800s anymore so that mistake rarely happens.” *insert eyeroll*
10. Are You Sure?
I was very small with both of my pregnancies. I didn’t even look pregnant until I was about 8 months. At the end when people would come up to me and say, “Oh you’re pregnant! When are you due?” I would respond with, “In a month.” They would always look at me and say, “Are you sure?!” Like I would just make up something.
11. The Rearview
My favorite was, “You don’t even look pregnant from behind!” Ummm, thanks … wasn’t aware I was supposed to?
12. Eat. The. Donut.
I gained wayyy too much with my son, yes, I know. But around 6-7 mo people made comments all the time. I’d tell strangers I wasn’t pregnant and then they would awkwardly walk away.
I had a coworker tell me- in front of patients at our office, “Do you really need to eat that donut? Haven’t you gained enough?”
…It was my first donut
13. A Designer Rub
My parents were building a house and when I met their designer, she rubbed my belly.
14. Is It Going to Happen Here?!
I was so huge during my pregnancy—doctors would just have this look of fear on their faces when they passed me in the halls in the hospital I work at… like, “Oh no! I am going to have to deliver this baby one day in this hallway?!”
15. Hand Holding
I was 6 months pregnant and working an event out in the community. I was talking to one of the event coordinators, as there was some miscommunication about vendor parking, and I was frustrated and probably visibly upset.
This complete stranger, who I’m sure had good intentions (but no sense of boundaries), walked by me and interrupted the conversation I was having with the event coordinator. She put her hand on my belly, and said, “Are you all right?”
I proceeded to slip my hand underneath hers, so that she was no longer touching my belly, but we were just holding hands. I didn’t say anything to her, just stared at her awkwardly until she let go, quickly apologized, and walked away, so I could resume the conversation she had interrupted.
16. How About That Acne?
I’m a nurse, and one of my CNAs approached me when I was about 8 weeks pregnant and asked, “Are you pregnant? I noticed you’re getting a lot of acne.”
Increased (in number and size) pimples are historical for me during my early stages of pregnancy, and my coworkers know this. RUDE!!! Way to point out the obvious (my struggling face), but I did NOT want her to have the satisfaction of knowing the little joy growing inside. She was a bit of a pest, unfortunately.
17. Should You Be Drinking?
I can count about a dozen times that new friends asked me if I had any kids while we shared a bottle of wine over dinner. I liked seeing the judgment (or genuine concern) on their face when I said we were expecting, then pausing for a beat before saying ‘don’t worry we’re not pregnant but adopting!’
18. The Well-Wishers
I’m now 31 weeks pregnant. After 12 weeks, when we started telling people, multiple people, including my mother in law, said, “I can’t wait to see you big/huge!” Or “You’ve always been so fit. It’ll be fun to see you big and out of shape.”
19. Party Animals
I was 6 months pregnant with my first daughter and got asked to a party by a college kid. But when I turned around he said, “No thanks,” and walked away. I mean, he didn’t even let me say thank you for the offer! Geez..
20. Repeat Offender
When I was 5 months along with my second… A dear and sweet, but very insensitive older lady: Wow, you must have twins in there.
Me: Nope , I’ve had a few ultrasounds. There’s only one.
Lady: Are you sure?
Me: Umm, yep…
The next week same lady: You look like you’re ready to have that baby any day….
Me: Nope, still have 4 months left…
21. The Bumpless Bump Rub
I don’t show until around 30 weeks then I POP. But I was at a wedding back home when I was only 20 weeks, and I had no bump. No one would have known I was pregnant if I hadn’t announced.
A girl I knew but didn’t know too well from high school came up to me and touched my “bump.” It was so uncomfortable because she was basically just touching my belly….. I felt so weird. I was just like, “Oh ok.. yeah there’s no bump.” So so awkward.
22. Pregnant From All Sides
A colleague while teaching told me, “Wow, you even look pregnant from behind.”
I also had a kindergartener ask me, “Are you having a baby?” I cheerfully said, “Yes!” And she said, “Oh my aunt is too and she is fat like you.”
Both occurrences I cried haha because I’m even more emotional [when I’m] pregnant!
23. Christmas Dinner
My job involves interviewing people and, oftentimes confronting people about weird personal information. When I was 8 months pregnant, I had to confront a guy about some relatively awkward info he had not shared a couple months prior.
We meet, talk, and it isn’t that pleasant. When we finish, he looks at my belly and says in the most serious and disgusted with me voice, “You must have really liked Christmas dinner.”
It is February. “I’m sorry?” I ask…not sure I understand.
He says, “Last time we met was right before Christmas. You must have loved the Christmas goodies to have put on *looks down at my belly* that much weight.”
I just stare. “Yes sir, I sure did.”
24. The Triple Threat
**This submission came via video. It’s been paraphrased by me.**
Out shopping while pregnant with my triplets. And I was huge. A woman stopped me and said, “Wow, you must be having more than one.” I said, “Yes, triplets actually.”
Then she was really shocked and said, “Oh my goodness! Where can they all be inside?” So I pointed out where they were laying. Baby A, was really low near my crotch. Baby B was laying across the front and Baby C was high up next to my boobs.
Next, she proceeded to touch all the places I just pointed out. My hoo-ha, my belly and my boobs. Really?!
25. Hoping For a Girl
When I was expecting [my third] we already had two boys. I can’t begin to recount how many times I was stopped by complete strangers telling me “I’m sure this time you’re hoping for a girl.”
26. We Haven’t Got Curtains Up Yet…
We had just moved into our newly built house, and were in the process of buying window coverings so still had bare windows.
I was nine months pregnant and enormous. As I stood in my closet, wearing my underwear and a very short robe that didn’t do a good job of hiding anything, I looked out of the closet window to see that a truck full of construction workers had just pulled into my driveway.
The worst part of the entire encounter was answering the door (after I hastily threw on some clothes) and trying to maintain some dignity as I spoke with these guys who tried to avoid smiling at my embarrassment. [It’s been] 33 years and I’m still embarrassed.
27. A Cartful
Walking through Target with my 3 girls in the cart and a very large pregnant belly, “Wow, you have your hands full!”
28. And, Finally…A Man Who Actually Knows the Right Thing To Say.
[I think] my favorite [comment] was from a kind farmer who watched me go through three pregnancies at my receptionist job.
He said something along the lines of wanting me to know how beautiful I looked, but especially while pregnant. He said it’s just so amazing and special and hoped I realized the natural, deep beauty that came with it. I will never forget it.
A Few Postpartum Tales, For Good Measure
In addition to comments made to expectant moms, several chimed in with unwelcome postpartum comments. So we might as well ad those to the list too.
1. The Wellness Coach
*This one is mine.*
Literally on the way home from the hospital. We needed to stop at Walmart for a few pumping/formula supplies. (Shocker, breastfeeding wasn’t going like a dream.)
In the baby section, an older woman looked at me and asked, “When are you due?” I got that big, new-mom smile and said, “Actually, I just had a C-section three days ago. We are on our way home now!”
She says, “Ugh, it’s going to be hard to lose all that baby weight.”
2. Where Do Triplets Come From?
**This one was submitted via video. It’s been paraphrased by me.**
My triplets were 5 months old and my husband was deployed. I needed groceries, so I packed up the babies and my toddler and headed out. I wore two of the three babies, and by the end of the shopping trip I had reached my limit. At checkout an old man stopped me and asked, “Are ALL these yours?”
Like I would go out with this many kids if I didn’t have to. “Yes.”
Then he says, “Are they natural?” At this point I think, yes, these are all natural, human babies. But I just say, “Yes.”
Then he says, “But did you need IVF or something?” By now I’ve had enough, so I told him, “No. My husband and I had sex three times in one night and this is what happened!”
3. Cheeseburger in Paradise
My most cringy comment was 9 days postpartum when someone said, “You must like to eat cheeseburgers.”
4. When Are You Due?
Six weeks AFTER my third boy was born, my husband and I went out for a birthday dinner for me, and the waitress asked me, ” Awww… When are you due?”
5. She Just Can’t Win
We named our second daughter Dorothy, Dottie for short. We had so many people come up to us while we were out and about to tell us she’s cute and ask us her name. The majority of these people were older and the usual response to her name was either, “Ohhh that’s my mother’s name” or ” Oh, that’s my name and I’ve always hated it.”
One man at our church with dementia would come up every Sunday to ask her name. His response to Dorothy was always (with a look of disgust), “Oh, that’s my ex-wife’s name.”
I got kind of tired of hearing that response every Sunday so I decided to change my answer. [One week I said,] “Her name is Margaret.” He said, “Ohhh, that was my ex-wife’s mother’s name! Don’t like that!” Seriously, I can’t win.
6. The Head Sniff
When [my daughter] was a newborn, a lady came up during communion and asked to sniff her head. Then she had the audacity to look at me like I’m the weird one when I said I had never heard of anyone doing that.
I didn’t make a scene until she left, but [my wife] could see me making faces from the front of the church.
Join In For More Fun
Thanks to everyone who responded. It’s so nice that we can look back, laugh, and bond over these unsolicited remarks. But the most important thing to recognize is that the miracle of life is so remarkable, it’s always a conversation starter.
For more fun, positivity and intentional living, join me on Instagram and Facebook. Right now, you can catch an IGTV special reading of my favorite from these reader responses. I’m passionate about teaching others the craft of intentionally seeing the positive and seeing the world through a Christ-centered lens. I hope you’ll join in. I’d love to get to know you.
Welcome back to the Intentional Living Series. Today I’m sharing powerful but practical ways to create an intentional home. In case you missed a post, you can find them here:
In the previous installments of this series, I’ve shared a bit about my walk through anxiety, depression and mental health crisis. Intentionality in all aspects of my life was key for healing. It’s been key to my continued state of complete mental health.
Take Control of Your Home
We lock our doors. Security systems alert us to anything fishy happening on our property. Doorbell cams allow us to see who is at our door, right on our phones–no matter where we are.
We are intentional about keeping intruders out of our home. But often, the most dangerous voices in our home sneak in, in the form of books, movies, TV and media. These intruders come in because we underestimate their harm.
It’s time to get intentional and take control of what is speaking into your mind (and the minds of your family) within your own walls. Doing so will help you take your thoughts captive, and rid your mind of unwanted thoughts. It will relieve anxiety and allow you to live in a space of Truth.
Let’s get started.
What Does Intentionality At Home Look Like?
An intentional home is purposefully curated to create an atmosphere of positivity and truth.
An intentional home is orderly and consistently directs thoughts to places of positivity and Truth. An intentional home is not chaotic. Decisions are made with confidence, boundaries are clear, individuals are free to explore their God-given gifts and have clarity of mind.
An intentional home is purposefully curated to create an atmosphere of positivity and truth.
How To Create an Intentional Home
Intentionality at home begins with the action steps we talked about in Part II.Apply these same principles to what you bring into your house. To create an intentional home we’ll look at two key steps.
Auditing what you already have in your home.
Pausing before you bring anything into your home.
I’m not covering intentionality in relationships or parenting. Instead, we’ll focus on media (TV, movies, books, audiobooks, magazines, social media–and any other media you can think of) and decor/tangible items.
Audit What’s Already in Your Home
Think strategically and purposefully about what you are allowing into your home.
Auditing simply means giving close examination to something. I’m not implying you need to completely purge all your media and home decor. Only that you need to give close examination to what you’ve currently got.
When I first began living intentionally, I learned that I needed to create a filter for what I was consuming. Your list may be different than mine, that’s okay.
At the core, I want the things that I’m watching, listening to, looking at, setting before my family to “set my mind on things above, not on earthly things.” (Colossians 3:2) The idea of a filter is to think strategically and purposefully about what you are allowing into your home.
Here are places to audit. (This isn’t an exhaustive list.)
TV shows you watch and stream
Movies you own, stream, and watch
Books you own, borrow from the library, discuss in clubs
Audio books you own, borrow and discuss
Magazines you own and subscribe to
Computer use
Gaming
Music you own and stream
Podcasts you listen to
Social media influencers you follow, groups you participate in, platforms you participate in
Decor with words, images or other messages
Here are examples of questions that will help you intentionally filter what you already have in your home/life:
Does this build positivity in my mind/environment?
Is this helpful to consume?
Does this glorify God? Or does this go against His Word?
Will this distract me from God’s Truth or God’s best for me/my family?
What is my heart motivation for watching/reading/keeping this?
Will consuming/keeping this in my home life exemplify Christ to nonbelievers?
Will this in any way harm my marriage?
Does this reinforce God’s Truth/the truth of His character or detract from it?
Does this feed a stronghold in my life?
Pause Before You Allow Anything Into Your Home
As you bring things or media into your home, remember to be purposeful and strategic. You are curating a space an an atmosphere.
When my mental state was very vulnerable, I knew I needed to quiet lots of voices around me. There were too many things speaking into my life. I was rarely alone in the quiet, able to hear God, discern His voice or decipher Truth from lie.
I didn’t have the mental capacity to audit. So I turned everything off. A complete fast from social media, TV, movies, audiobooks, radio, podcasts, magazines, books…
At first I only read the Bible.
Then I allowed Christian radio in the car.
Then Bible study videos when I just wanted to “watch TV” at the end of the day.
The progression stalled there for quite some time. As healing happened, I knew it was unrealistic to keep myself completely turned off from all media and the outside world. My audit had been hasty, but adding things back in was very intentional. I paused and considered before allowing anything back in.
Shows that I once loved were cut out (many without closure.) The same went for all other media–including social. At first it was hard, but the process was worth it. My mind was clear and I had a new sense of ownership and pride over my home. I had taken charge of what was coming in, how it was consumed.
Home became a sanctuary, where I knew what was coming into my mind was safe and true.
As you bring things or media into your home, remember to be purposeful and strategic. You are curating a space an an atmosphere. Pause and consider each decision carefully.
How to Pause
Hold the things you allow into your home to a high standard, you’re worth it.
To create an intentional home, you’ll need to pause too. Be strategic and purposeful when you bring anything into your home. Use the list from your audit as you put things back in place. Hold the things you allow into your home to a high standard, you’re worth it.
Explain this process to your family, especially your children. This will teach them to be intentional about what they consume from a young age. And as stated in Part II: living intentionally always has a why.
If you decide to add something to your home, watch something, play something, listen to something, etc…you should be able to give a quick “why.” A reason to defend its place in your home. A reason to defend its presence as a voice speaking into your mind.
It’s weird at first, but you can do it. With practice it will become second nature. Your mind, heart, and family will thank you.
Items in Your Home
The last thing I’ll touch on are items in your home. What kind of imagery is surrounding you, your marriage and your children? What words are displayed on your wall? When you unlock your phone, what’s in the background? What words are inscribed on your favorite mug?
Audit these things too.
As you seek to create an intentional home, don’t underestimate the power held in objects you see every day. These can speak positivity into your heart. They can set your mind on things above. Or they can pull your heart toward strongholds, lies, brash jokes (unbecoming of a child of God.) These things can help redirect your thoughts (see part III) or push your thoughts toward things of the world, doubts, lust, and lies.
Bring in objects that constantly push your thoughts heavenward. Fill your home with imagery that lifts your heart and aligns it with God.
Create an Intentional Home and an Intentional Life
I know you can do this. Start small and be consistent. Intentionality will become routine, second nature. For more inspiration for intentional living join me on Instagram and Facebook. I share tips, anecdotes and everyday devotionals that teach you to see God’s goodness in the everyday, study Scripture effectively, know God deeply and overcome anxiety and depression. Hope to see you there.
I’ve spent lots and lots of nights laying awake, battling unwanted thoughts. I’ve spent days frozen in fear brought on by ideas dancing through my head. Panic attacks, racing heart, sweaty hands, the feeling of being utterly, hopelessly stuck. If any of that sounds familiar to you, I’m glad you’re here. This is for you. It’s time to take your thoughts captive. Let me tell you what has worked for me.
Not all that long ago the thought of sitting in a nursery with a little on the way made my blood run cold.
I remember sitting in a tiny Mexican restaurant several years ago–nearly in tears as I told Derek I thought it was time to start a family. These were not happy tears or tears of expectation. They were tears of fear. But alas, we were getting older and had been married nearly 10 years. This is what came next. Like it or not.
I’d been laying awake at night, distracted during the day. Being a mom terrified me. My mind had accepted lies (some created by me, others fed to me over many years) about motherhood. These lies told me that being a mom meant life was over. If I hadn’t achieved “success” by the time I got pregnant I never would. Being a mom meant I’d amount to nothing and all the good things God had handed me would be wasted. It meant I would be a failure–to myself, God and my spouse. (More on lies here.)
Lies or no lies, we were getting older. This is what needed to be done. By stating I thought we should start a family, I was giving up on a lot of things.
Intentionality in Thought is to Take Your Thoughts Captive
I will spare you many more details. The story ends like this: We didn’t have kids at that time. My mind went from this state of anxiety and unwanted thoughts to a full break (more here). Eventually I found healing. During that process I started to notice lots of unwanted thoughts floating around my mind. About motherhood, and lots of other things. And I decided not to let them run my life any more.
God had given me the word intentionality (read about that here) and I began applying it to my thoughts. I stopped being prey for lies and scary thoughts and started being their predator. I began to take those thoughts captive.
And today, I’m going to share how you can take your thoughts captive too.
Identify Strongholds
Before you being to take your thoughts captive, you must identify strongholds.
What IS a stronghold?
Until I was coming out of a mental health crisis I had never heard the term “stronghold” used as Christian jargon. A friend gave me this book–and it had a huge impact on my healing. I understood what a stronghold was and knew that was exactly what I’d been fighting for the last few months.
Max Lucado has a great post on strongholds here. This is a quote that sums it up:
What is that one weakness, bad habit, rotten attitude? Where does the devil have a stronghold on you? Ahh, there is the word that fits–stronghold–fortress, citadel, thick walls, tall gates. It’s as if the devil has fenced in one negative attribute, one bad habit, one weakness and constructed a rampart around it. “You ain’t touching this flaw,” he defies to heaven and he places himself squarely between God’s help and your: __[insert stronghold here]_______.
Literally, where does Satan have a strong hold on you? For me…it was lots of places.
This is uncomfortable to think about. It requires vulnerability, an admission that you are flawed and have been deceived.
Welcome to the club. Let me, and the whole of Scripture assure you, you are not alone.
Remain Teachable
The sermon at church on Sunday centered on renewing the mind. It so closely mirrored my outline for this post it was eerie. Anyway, our pastor had a great quote that I’ll share here about strongholds:
[Strongholds] keep us from being who God wants us to be and receiving what God wants to give us.
Strongholds are the key to thinking intentionally and taking your thoughts captive. Identify where Satan has a hold on your thoughts–where are they running amok? Then remain teachable to correct those thoughts and overcome.
Fear is a red flag that I am withholding something from God.
Fear is a red flag that I/you/we are withholding something from God. For me, the gripping fear of being a mom meant I was withholding my career, ideal of success, trust in His provision, trust in His ability to use my gifts from God.
If you cannot humble yourself to learn, incorrect, destructive thoughts will continue to control your mind processes. This in turn, will leave you enslaved to your fears and unruly ideas.
Accept That Not All Thoughts Are Wanted or Needed
It’s a myth that we cannot control our thoughts, that everything in our minds is put there by God.
Thoughts are influenced and implanted in our minds from many sources. Key being: worldly influence and lies/fear surrounding our strongholds. (This is why the Audit in Part II is so important to daily, intentional living.)
Once you accept that not all thoughts are needed, you are free to ruthlessly take your thoughts captive and throw the unwanted to the dumpster. Chase them down and eliminate them. You can restrain your thoughts. Your mind can renewed. (Romans 12:2)
Redirect
Okay, you identified where you are vulnerable (strongholds) and accepted that not all thoughts need to take up your valuable headspace. You’ve taken your thoughts captive and know you want to be rid of them.
Now what?
Now is the time for redirection. If the space that those thoughts occupied remains empty, it’s an invitation for them to reenter. (See Col 3:1-5)
Redirection is easier to say than do. Just think of something else. *insert eye roll here** I know firsthand that it’s not as simple as just wishing you could think of something else. I’ve been there.
Those unwanted thoughts that you just can’t shake are fruit from the tree of fear and anxiety. They’re a sign that a lie has taken root in your heart and mind. Identify the root of the lie, yank it out, and replace it with Truth.
This takes work. Auditing (see part II) and eliminating things you have come to like. But the freedom it brings is worth all the eliminating and auditing in the world.
How to Redirect Your Thoughts
When I was most in need of intentionality in my thinking I put a huge limit on what was speaking into my life. I shut down all the voices, except a very few that I knew were speaking truth. Here are helpful techniques to redirect/correct lots of very tricky, unwanted thoughts:
Commitment to be in the Word daily.
Praying daily for the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to strongholds and teach me to overcome them.
Praying daily that my eyes would be open to the lies I’d been deceived by and the Truth God wanted me to understand.
When I didn’t know how to pray, I turned back to this book.
Researching one topic at a time, journaling/listing everything God said about that topic. (For me I looked into every reference to God as a father, parents, parenting, and mothers.)
Pressing pause on all unscriptural voices speaking into me (social media, TV, movies, books, audiobooks, etc.)
Follow Jesus’ example. When He was tempted by lies and unwanted thoughts He turned to God’s Word to shut them down. (Matt 4:1-11). Humbly accept that what you may think is true may be flawed. Be in the Word, redirect your mind to Truth.
Ruthlessly remove anything that negatively affects your mind and ability to absorb God’s Word.
This last point is key. There is no quick fix for taking your thoughts captive, eliminating unwanted thinking and being totally intentional in your mind. It’s going to take time and practice (see Part II).
But you can do it. Really, you can.
Your thoughts should not be master over you. You can one Master and His yoke is kind. His will is not to keep you pinned under the weight of fear inflicted by thoughts He never intended to fill your mind.
Begin to weed out the lies and what you are withholding from God–these are at the root of unwanted thoughts. Address them one at a time. Then, when things have cleared up, continue the practice. You must be diligent not to let them reenter. New strongholds may arise, but you will be equipped with intentionality, to master what is in your mind and redirect it with Truth.
Join me on Instagram and Facebook for more on intentionally living for Christ, knowing His Word and seeing His hand in daily living. If you are liking this series, share it and let me know! I’d love to hear from you.
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