Okay, so you want to explore Medora and the North Dakota Badlands, but don’t know where to start. That’s where I come in. I’m a junkie for creating itineraries, saving money, and sharing what I’ve learned.
Below you’ll find an awesome family travel guide to Medora, ND with lots of ways to save money in Medora. This is a detailed itinerary with exactly what my family did on a recent trip…and how we saved money along the way (so we’ve got more in the bank for future adventures.) We stayed three nights, plenty of time to explore without being overwhelmed. There are things we didn’t have time to see that will be fun to check out next time.
We had so much fun, this is sure to be a rinse and repeat vacation for years to come.
Why We Decided on This Trip
Here are some reasons we decided on this trip, and ways to save money in Medora.
We often center family trips around National Parks because they offer many free low-cost options.
Paid park entry is only $30 and good for seven days. Entry is FREE for military members and veterans—just be sure to ask for a military park pass!Park programs and ranger talks are free with admission.
Since Medora, ND is only a few hours drive from Minot, we weren’t in a rush to get up early and leave right away. **Also, it should be noted that Medora, ND is on mountain time.
Let’s save money in Medora:
Pack a picnic lunch to enjoy on the road. We stopped at Riverside Park in Beulah, ND. It’s got a playground we love.
Stop in Dickenson on your way into Medora to pick up groceries you may need (or pack them from home.) We bought milk, and fruit at Walmart; we packed cereal, snacks, and PB&J fixings from home. This keeps costs down on eating out, if your kids are unadventurous eaters.
Checking In at The Badlands Motel
The nostalgic style of the Badlands Motel set the perfect tone for our trip. Here are some things to know:
Bathrooms have a shower, but no tub (which is nice to know if you’ve got young children.)
Complimentary coffee, ice, and water available in the lobby.
Rooms have a microwave and mini fridge.
The Theodore Roosevelt Medora Foundation provides wifi throughout the Badlands Motel and Point to Point Park. Overall, cell service was strong—even though this is a very easy place to disconnect and unplug for a few days!
Pickleball (all equipment can be checked out at the desk.)
Wooden park/playground
Hiking trails
Dinner + Bedtime
We grabbed dinner out at the Badlands Pizza Parlor, which offers buffet style dinners and carry out pizza. After eating, we took in live music at the Town Square Patio, then took the kids to Point to Point Park’s Wooden Playground.
Let’s save money in Medora!
There is a discount for kids buffet at Badlands Pizza Parlor.
We really enjoyed the buffet, but you can save even more money by ordering carry out pizza to eat in your room, or as a picnic at the Town Square Patio.
The Wooden Playground (Medora Children’s Park) was a highlight for our family, and it’s FREE.
Check out the attached museum to learn about Teddy Roosevelt’s time in the Badlands, animal life, and history of the park. It’s really beautifully done.
Look around Theodore Roosevelt’s Maltese Cross Cabin to see what life was like when he stayed in the Badlands.
Theodore Roosevelt National Park
We began our day at the park at 8:30am. We spent about five hours in the park. Here’s what we did:
Drive the wildlife loop (note, parts may be under construction.)
Stop for wildlife along the way, as spotted. We saw bison, prairie dogs, feral horses, a porcupine, and deer.
Buck Hill—by this time our kids were pretty worn out and hungry. They stayed near the car eating a picnic lunch while my husband and I took turns exploring a bit more.
Drive back out, stop at the Visitor Center with completed Junior Ranger books.
Let’s save money in Medora!
If you’re military or a veteran, get your FREE national parks pass at the visitor center.
Doing the Junior Ranger workbook means your kids will leave with a souvenir from the trip. For us, this cuts back on spending money in the gift shop.
MUST SEE! Do not miss this! Drive back into the park to Wind Canyon Trail for sunset. Although this is a “hot spot,” the trail wasn’t crowded. The experience was transformative, peaceful, and idyllic. (And completely FREE.)
Day 3: Point to Point Park and Medora
Breakfast in town
Our third day in Medora focused on staying in town. We started the day with caramel rolls from The Cowboy Café, which I highly recommend, especially if you catch them straight from the oven.
After breakfast the kids wanted to play on the Wooden Playground (yes, it’s that fun). I went with them while my husband hiked the Point to Point Trails.
Let’s save money in Medora!
Instead of getting a full breakfast, just stick to something simple like caramel rolls (just $6 each) and coffee.
The Point to Point Trails are a short walk from the Badlands Motel and completely FREE to access. These are suitable for all ages.
On our final day, we took advantage of the paid activities at Point to Point Park. These include the Manitou Zip Line, Little Bully Pulpit Mini Golf, and the wading pool + lazy river. Here’s what you should know:
Minimum height for the zipline is 42” (must be accompanied by a rider over 47”.) Riders 48” and taller may ride alone.
The pool and lazy river have towels available.
Be sure to pack goggles and a life jacket/water wings for your kids if they like to use those while swimming.
Little Bully Pulpit mini golf is 18 holes beautifully built into the landscape. Each hole is paired with a bit of history for the area, which was great for a fun-fact nerd like me.
Let’s save money in Medora!
Activities can be purchased alone or as a bundle. Bundling the activities will save you money.
Save the zip line for the last day of your trip if you don’t want to face pressure from your kids to buy a second, third, or fourth ride.
Mini golf is discounted for kids, and FREE for kids under seven.
Kids under three are FREE at the pool and lazy river.
The pool and lazy river offer discounted admission from 4-7pm daily.
Pitchfork Steak Fondue Dinner
There’s a good reason Medora is famous for its Pitchfork Steak Fondue dinner. You won’t fully understand until you experience for yourself. The dinner is held near the amphitheater for the Medora Musical, and the scenery looks like a something out of a painting.
Open air seating, live music, and fresh Badlands breeze make this an unforgettable night. Not only is the setting wonderful, the food and service are top notch. Throughout our meal, the chef came out to ensure everything was above expectations, and explaining how staff and volunteers were there to help as needed. As he said, “If you don’t think you’re getting your money’s worth, it’s your own fault.”
The Pitchfork Steak Fondue is a bit of a splurge for a frugal family, but the experience is worth it.
Let’s save money in Medora!
This meal is HUGE (steak, baked potato, fruit, veggies, coleslaw, baked beans, bread, drinks, and dessert), and served buffet style! Skimp on lunch and come hungry.
Kids 12 and under eat FREE! (They get the full buffet with a hot dog entrée.)
The Big Finale—The Medora Musical
No trip to Medora, ND is complete without taking in The Medora Musical. If you’re not familiar, this is a two-hour patriotic music spectacular performed nightly in an amphitheater settled right into the hills. It’s got cowboy vibes, a dancing Teddy Roosevelt, and all the nostalgic red, white, and blue you can handle.
Again, it’s something you have to see to appreciate. Even if musical theater isn’t your jam, it’s impossible to sit through The Medora Musical without being entertained. Here are some extra tips you should know.
Some days have a 5:30pm and 7:30pm show—if you’ve got young kids, I highly recommend the earlier show. My three year old was too tired to stay for the whole show and left with my husband at intermission.
After intermission, a variety act performs. This changes through the season, so check out the schedule when planning your trip to maximize your enjoyment.
There is a short firework display at the end. They weren’t super loud, but I like to let other parents be aware in case they have noise/light sensitive kiddos.
I’m really glad we saved this as the finale to our Medora trip. It was a great way to round off an unforgettable weekend.
Let’s save money in Medora!
Military and veterans get 50% off tickets all season long.
Certain dates off military FREE admission.
Kids attend FREE every Wednesday and Sunday.
Save This One
If you’re looking for a budget-friendly vacation, this itinerary from Medora, ND is it! There are plenty of things to do, even if you just stick to the freebies. And with all that money you’ll save, you can start planning your next adventure.
For more great ideas on Midwest travel, North Dakota living, and ways to save money and maximize fun, follow me on Instagram at Hey Minot and Amy Allender. If this guide was helpful, remember to save it and share it with a friend who loves fun and saving money.
When our family first moved to North Dakota for an assignment at Minot, AFB, I knew little about the state beyond its reputation for cold winters and flat landscapes. However, I was determined to uncover the hidden gems of this region.
Fast forward to today, and I’ve become a guru of all things Minot, and an advocate of North Dakota living. I try things, visit destinations, and make mistakes along the way in order to give you the best, most valuable information possible—so you can enjoy North Dakota as much as I do!
When you embark on a journey to explore, discover, or fall in love with North Dakota, there is one destination you should not miss: Medora. Nestled in the heart of the North Dakota Badlands, Medora offers a wealth of experiences that cater perfectly to military families. There are also lots of military discounts in Medora to take advantage of. With its rich, patriotic history, breathtaking scenery, and family-friendly activities, Medora is a top destination you won’t want to miss.
Seeing this side of the great plains will prove that North Dakota is anything but flat and boring.
Your leave days are precious. Here’s a few reasons we decided—as a military family—to spend our time off in Medora:
Proximity to Military Bases
Medora’s location makes it an accessible getaway for military members and their families. Here’s how far you’ll need to travel from nearby bases:
Minot AFB: 220 miles, approximately 3.5 hours driving
Ellsworth AFB: 246 miles, approximately 4 hours driving
119 Wing, ANG: 330 miles, approximately 4.5 hours driving
Grand Forks AFB: 370 miles, approximately 5.5 hours driving
Malstrom AFB/120 AW: 410 miles, approximately 6.25 hours driving
Whether you’re stationed locally or just passing through, Medora is an ideal spot for a weekend or extended getaway.
Free Admissions and Military Discounts in Medora
Saving money on travel means being able to afford more adventures in the future! Military discounts in Medora make this a budget-friendly vacation, perfect for families.
Park Programs: The National Park hosts various programs throughout the day, and on special occasions (a night sky program was going on while we were visiting). These are free with park admission or a military park pass.
Medora Musical:Discounts of 50% on tickets for military members throughout the season. There are select days that offer military free admission. Kids gain free admission on Wednesdays and Sundays.
Discounts for kids + free activities abound:
In addition to military discounts in Medora there are a plethora of free activities for all ages and discounts for kids. These include:
Pitchfork Steak Fondue: Kids under 12 get a free hot dog meal at the Pitchfork Steak Fondue. They access the full buffet and dessert—the only difference a hot dog entrée instead of steak.
Medora Musical: Kids attend for free on Wednesdays and Sunday.
Military Family Travel Guide to Medora: The Itinerary
Use this rinse and repeat Military Family Travel Guide to Medora to make the most out of your trip!
We stayed at the charmingly nostalgic Badlands Motel, which offered:
Great accessibility to Point to Point Park
Walkable/bikeable proximity to town attractions
A pool for guests
Clean rooms with complimentary coffee, ice, and iced water in the lobby.
Rooms equipped with a microwave and mini fridge, ideal for families with young children.
First Adventure – Point to Point Park
Located just across from our motel, Point to Point Park was a MASSIVE hit with the kids. While we unpacked, they were eager to explore and immediately headed to check out the jumping cushion, splash pad, and small zip line swings.
Dinner and Evening Fun
Once settled, we headed to dinner at the Badlands Pizza Parlor. The all you can eat buffet is a no-hassle choice for the whole family. Kids can fill up on cheese pizza, lemonade, and dessert. Adventurous eaters can sample an array of specialty pizzas. And salad lovers will love the DIY salad bar. (The cucumber salad was my favorite!!)
After dinner, take a walk to Town Hall Square Patio for free, live music. Finish your day with a trip to the Medora Children’s Park (a gigantic wooden playground!) to let the kids burn off any energy they’ve got left before bed.
Explore museum exhibits on Theodore Roosevelt’s time in the Badlands, and park wildlife. American history is often a special part of military family travel. We all really enjoyed this.
Visit Theodore Roosevelt’s Maltese Cross Cabin to see what life was like when he stayed in the Badlands.
Park Itinerary
Inside the park, follow the wildlife loop. Give yourself plenty of time to stop and observe the wildlife. On our drive we spotted bison, deer, feral horses, prairie dogs, and a porcupine. These are places we stopped to get out and explore along the way.
Wind Canyon Trail (We came back and did this at sunset, and it was my FAVORITE part. If you only do one thing in the park, make it this!)
Our kids are six and three years old. These hikes were doable for them, but they were pretty tired by the end. On the way out of the park, we stopped back at the Visitor Center so the boys could show their Junior Ranger workbooks and earn their badge. This itinerary took about five hours, moving at a very lax pace.
Rest, Pool, and Dinner
After a busy morning at the park, enjoy a late lunch at Point to Point Provisions, relax in the room, and swim in the Badlands Motel pool. Head to The Little Missouri Saloon for dinner where a second story patio offers a beautiful view of town.
Sunset over the Badlands
Cap off the evening with a sunset view over the Badlands at the Wind Canyon Trail. This is truly a transformative excursion that shouldn’t be missed. And, despite being a “hot spot”, it wasn’t crowded, making for a serene and idyllic experience.
Spend the afternoon enjoying the paid activities at Point to Point Park. These include:
The Manitou Zipline—riders must be at least 42” tall, this was definitely a highlight for my kids!
The wading pool and lazy river—remember to pack goggles and a puddle-jumper if your child uses those.
Little Bully Pulpit mini golf—18 holes beautifully incorporated into the landscape.
Steak Fondue Dinner and Medora Musical
The Pitchfork Steak Fondue dinner is an iconic part of a trip to Medora, ND. With its open-air seating, live music, and delicious buffet, you’ll never forget this meal. Don’t forget—kids eat FREE!
Following dinner, attend The Medora Musical—a must-see patriotic performance brimming with national and state price. Complete with bedazzling red, white, and blue finale costumes and a fireworks display. This is the perfect way to wrap up a trip to the North Dakota Badlands.
One of the best military discounts in Medora is 50% off show tickets.. There are also dates when military/veterans attend FREE! And don’t forget that kids attend for free on Wednesday and Sunday all season long!
Medora is Great For Military Families
With a blend of historical charm, outdoor adventure, and family-friendly fun, Medora is great for military family travel. From stunning landscapes, to the engaging activities in town, Medora is a destination worth exploring. Save this Military Family Travel Guide to Medora for quick reference on military discounts in Medora, and an itinerary your whole crew will enjoy.
Easy Tips For More Fun
Still want more? Check out this post with even more details on our itinerary in Medora.
For more ways to have fun, save money, and live on fire—but never burned out—join me on Instagram. For more on life in North Dakota and being stationed in Minot, be sure to follow @HeyMinot. If this Military Family Travel Guide to Medora was helpful, be sure to share it with your armed forces friends!
The following is a brief overview of my mental health story. I put these words down in hopes that you’ll be encouraged to move forward and keep living. There is hope and life beyond depression and anxiety. You CAN overcome this.
In 2014 I was in the midst of a mental health crisis. An unexpected injury left me in chronic pain and I slid down a steep slope into debilitating depression and anxiety. Before this, I had never understood how suicide could seem like an appealing option. But after months of pain, reaching dead ends with mental health providers, and anguish within my thought-life, I began to experience suicidal ideation for myself.
It didn’t happen all at once. Little by little I devolved into a shadow of my former self. Daily tasks consumed all my energy and usually left me crying. I fluctuated between high strung panicky energy and utter lethargy.
Late one January night, I came to an ultimatum: find a better way to live, or this will kill you. Depression was eating me alive and if I didn’t address its root causes, I’d die by suicide. I was afraid, but just stubborn enough not to succumb.
Making Progress Toward Recovery
I contacted a Christian counselor with a rigorous outpatient program. After nearly a year of healthcare providers telling me I’d only ever be able to cope with the symptoms of depression and anxiety—I was offered real hope. By this time, I’d been a Saved and Jesus-professing Christian for most of my life. I thought I’d done faith wrong or deserved God’s wrath because I was depressed. Wasn’t that the opposite of joy—the fruit of the Spirit?
I cried in the office as he confidently told me this was something that could be overcome for good. The Word of God acted as a sword at the center of counseling. It sliced through lies and mental illness, making room for Truth and clarity to take root and grow.
My official diagnosis read major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, slight obsessive compulsive disorder. There may have even been a touch of psychosis.
Naming all the things that seemed to be “wrong” in my brain was scary. However, giving what I’d been experiencing an accurate diagnosis helped begin to untangle the mess in my mind. No one likes to be labeled but the label guides us to an appropriate antidote.
Recovery Interrupted
For me, recovery was not smooth. It was impacted by my lifestyle as a military spouse. Times of separation from my husband, stigma, hurtful words from healthcare providers who implied I was a burden to my husband’s career all had an impact. Then, just as things were beginning to improve my husband received orders for a short notice cross country move.
It was like getting sucker punched. Just as I had started to earnestly hope full recovery was possible, it seemed to be snatched away.
With my health in a precarious position, my husband and I sought to delay the move in order to afford me time to recover in a stable environment. This unleashed a complicated and painful fight that involved leadership, administrative offices, a medical board, and often forgoing privacy about the details of my condition. I remember one healthcare provider told me to “…try to wait and deal with this once my husband has retired,” because it would be “easier for everyone.” One solution offered to us was that my husband could proceed with the move and I could stay behind to finish counseling alone.
I felt ashamed, like a major problem no one knew how to deal with. I thought things would be easier for everyone if I didn’t exist.
Finding Victory
These circumstances nearly derailed my recovery, but somehow I survived. By God’s grace and an inborn stubborn streak I kept finding the strength to keep breathing. To wake up one more day. To explain myself one more time. To insist on getting help, to advocate for myself, to speak up when things were unacceptable.
Things were ugly—but I kept fighting for the life I hoped waited on the other side of mental illness. I can only take credit for showing up. The victory was won by God’s Truth, His goodness, might and power. He created a way for me to recover, despite a dynamic lifestyle. He taught me that victory is possible on this side of eternity. He showed me He is a safe space, an ally, a Good Father.
Lasting Healing Can Be Part of Your Mental Health Story
Six years ago I had my final relapse. I’ve spent these years retraining my brain to think in healthy patterns. Over time, these new healthy ways of responding have become my normal and natural reaction to all of life’s circumstances. Lies that had long masqueraded as fact have been exposed and replaced with God’s Truth. My value—your value—is not wrapped up in where we’ve been, how we perform or what others think of us. Our value was named when God chose to create us and deem us worthy of Salvation through His Son’s death. God bought us at a high price—that is our value, that is our identity. (1 Peter 1:18-19)
Overcoming takes time, work, and facing a lot of uncomfortable emotions—but it’s possible and it’s worth it. There is nothing special about me. I’m just a regular person who scrapped up enough strength to live one more hour at a time. If I can do it, so can you. There’s a life worth living on the other side.
That’s My Mental Health Story. Now, How can I serve you?
Here are a few ways, but I’m always open to new ideas.
Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook where I share more about my past with mental health and action steps for maintaining recovery, coping and raising emotionally healthy littles.
Sign up for my monthly newsletter where I share encouragement, resources and recommendations.
Allow me to meet with your group in person or virtually to hear more about my testimony, discuss mental health, and field questions. Learn more about speaking engagements here.
If you are in a position of leadership or ministry, I offer consultation calls designed to answer questions and strategize ways to serve individuals grappling with their mental health.
Mental Health for military spouses is a tricky subject.
Navigating a mental health crisis is never easy. Mental health for military spouses can be especially difficult.
Coping with and recovering from a mental health battle as a member of the military community (whether active duty or dependent) presents challenges not faced by other populations. Deployments, TDYs, PCS-ing, new assignments, finding a Tricare approved provider, frequent changes in PCM and stigma are just a some of the factors affecting mental health among those in or affiliated with our armed forces.
If you can relate to anything above, this is a place for you. I have a message of hope for you.
Let my experience offer you hope, encouragement and insight.
In 2014 I began suffering from anxiety while stationed at Minot, AFB with my husband. Before finding full, lasting recovery in the summer of 2016 I fell into the depths of a frightening (even life-threatening) depression. I sought help, but the dynamic of life as a military spouse and the military healthcare system created peculiar roadblocks toward healing.
While searching for answers and help getting to the root of the anxiety and depressive disorder I was experiencing I faced dismissiveness, inability to book appointments, implication that my mental health could negatively affect my husband’s career, multiple PCM changes (a lack of healthcare continuity), a lack of privacy, TDY separations and orders to move in the middle of my mental health crisis. The stigma of admitting my mental health struggle was real, heavy and painful.
I wanted a better way to live. I didn’t want to be trapped by mental illness, but felt hopeless, helpless and confused. Every time I made some progress something major would shift in our life and it all came crashing down again. Attempting to recover as a military spouse seemed like playing Jenga inside a bounce house.
My experience wasn’t seamless. There were many times I met dead ends as I sought help and received hurtful counsel from military healthcare professionals along the way.
Normalize Conversations About Mental Health For Military Spouses, You’re Worth More
It’s time to normalize conversations about mental health, eliminate stigma and illuminate the path toward healing within our military family. Finding help and overcoming anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders is possible—even in our dynamic lifestyle. By sharing what I’ve learned I aim to help others avoid plummeting to a crisis (like me), and more quickly reach a place of stability and recovery.
I’m here to cheer on our military community as it becomes a better, safer space for getting mental healthcare. I’m here to advocate for true resilience—not just putting on a brave face.
Mostly, I’m here to testify that overcoming a mental health crisis as a military spouse is possible. You can find peace, you can thrive despite the difficult circumstances this lifestyle presents. You aren’t alone. You aren’t a burden. Your value doesn’t come from how well you handle all the things while your spouse is away—or how seamlessly you deal with change.
No, friend. Your value comes from something more precious than that. God named your value when He created you in His image and deemed you worthy of the ransom He paid rescue you from the penalty of sin—death. This ransom was paid with the blood of Jesus, God’s own Son. (1 Peter 1:18-19)
Your worth runs deep. God’s peace and goodness can triumph over any circumstances. I’ve seen it happen in my life and I know it can happen in your life too.
How Can I Help You? I’m Here to Serve.
Let’s work together to bring positive change to the intersection of military life and mental health. Here’s how I can help.
Schedule a consultation call. Ask me anything you’d like about my experience with mental health and military life. Contact me here.
Let me join your group. I’d love to share my experience and offer hope to your group in person or virtually. Contact me here.
Use my experience (the good and bad bits) to better serve your people. If you are in a leadership or ministering to the military community, I’d can help you strategize ways to support mental health for those you serve. Contact me here.
The following is an excerpt from a journal I kept during our most recent deployment like. This is what deployment is really like for the spouse left behind.Another excerpt can be read here. More on military life can be found here.
What is it really like to have your spouse deployed? Here’s what I wish I knew before deployment.
I’m often asked what deployment is really like. What things come to fruition that I expected, what didn’t happen, what took me by surprise, what’s hard…?It’s hard to come up with answers when I’m not living it. Once the deployment (or any type of prolonged separation) is over, the feelings and the reality of what daily living entailed becomes blurry in my mind. Knowing specific feelings and specific circumstances of deployment living would have been such a gift to me when I was a young wife, completely clueless as to what a lifestyle of routine separation would look like and feel like.
I hope I can extend that gift to someone else, now that I’ve lived and learned from years as a military spouse.
This part is painful. It catches me off guard, but also perfectly encapsulates what deployment is really like.
Something painful that catches me off guard everytime Derek has to be away for a length of time is the seeming erasure of his presence from our daily life. It happens gradually. First, he packs up his items from the medicine cabinet, leaving gaps where our nightly and morning routines were tangibly intertwined. A chunk of clothes and uniforms are gone from the closet. His boots aren’t next to the door.
After he leaves I gradually move anything he has left out of place and put it away. His notebook, his flight bag, the small pile of cough drops on his night stand–they are all sorted and stored.
In a week or so, there are no more of his clothes in the hamper. They are all clean and replaced in the drawers where he’ll use them again, but not for months. Soon after that, the foods he prefers have gone bad or I’ve eaten them, and they don’t reappear on the grocery list or in the cupboards. The smells that accompany him–his shampoo, the scent of his shaving cream, the uniform smell that clings to his flight suit–they are gone.
Eventually, the gender-neutral scented body wash we share runs out and I’ll replace it with something specifically feminine. I stop hanging the car keys up and instead keep one set in the diaper bag and one set in my purse. No one else needs to use them, or find them.
The Last Bit
A few days ago I changed the sheets on our bed. Yes, I know it’s been more than a month and maybe that’s gross. But honestly, keeping my own bed fresh has been the least of my priorities since Derek left. I both loved and hated getting into a gloriously clean bed. Everything felt so fresh, like sleeping at a hotel. But with the washing of sheets and swapping them out, it was like officially washing Derek out of our bed too.
Yes, he’s coming back. That doesn’t stop me from feeling grief in a season of my life spent with evidence of my husband’s existence removed from my daily living.
The gaps that his things left are soon filled. I leave a few more shoes of my own by the door. A few extra toiletries have migrated to the medicine cabinet. I’ve created a cocoon in the middle of our bed and my night time necessities take residence on both night stands. The hook where his towel hung is occupied by Silas’ sleepsack. The hanger that held his coat is empty and leaves extra room for another of Gideon’s sweatshirts.
It’s a visible trail of absence. It happens every time Derek leaves. I wish someone would have prepared me for it. It’s an odd feeling. I know he’ll come back and I can’t wait to push my things aside to make room again.
What is deployment really like? It’s like that.
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO…
I’m writing a book about my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Previously, I shared a bit about my personal experience with suicidal thoughts. After publishing, I heard from an unexpected number of women–some military dependents, some not. Many held similar fears of hurting their husband’s career or being a burden to those they love. Today is a follow up on the lie that suicide is a loving option. Today I’ll walk us through the maze that love, suicide and mental health can form.
So many who struggle with mental health can relate to perceiving themselves as a burden. It’s a bizarre and dangerous headspace. You dislike yourself and what your existence has become–but you love the people around you. Eventually your perception of yourself becomes so toxic, you start to believe the lie that eliminating yourself is the most loving thing you can do for those around you.
Being you has become unbearable. Ergo, being with you must be unbearable for those you love.
Being you has become unbearable. Ergo, being with you must be unbearable for those you love.
Like I said, it’s a slippery, dangerous trail of thinking–but others in our community have been there.
What can be done?
Depression is a Liar. Turn to the Truth.
First, remember depression is a liar. Then turn to the source of Truth, the Bible.
When I had those toxic thoughts, Derek kindly pointed me to the “Love Chapter,” 1 Corinthians 13. After all, love for the man I married was one of the only things that hadn’t blurred out of focus. With this starting point, I began unravelling a mess of lies. Line by line, piece by piece I cognitively examined what Scripture outlines as loving–at a time when I thought disappearing might be the most loving solution available.
Here’s a bit of how that process looked for me.
Love is patient.
In the Greek this is literally “to persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles; to be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others.” Now apply that to this toxic thinking.
Love patiently, persistently waits, knowing help and healing may take a while. Those who love you will wait with you, being “slow to anger, slow to punish.” Loving yourself means understanding it takes patience to heal.
Love is kind.
Being kind to yourself means having grace while you find help. Being kind to Derek meant showing grace to the person he loves (me), and choosing intentionally kind words to speak about myself and him.
Love is not jealous/envious.
Love is not jealous of another’s circumstance. Those who love you are not jealous of a different circumstance. I needed to stop comparing myself, situation, troubles, etc to anyone or anything else.
Love trusts.
Choose to trust your loved ones when they tell you, you aren’t a burden. Trust your own tenacity and ability to overcome.
Love hopes.
Love for yourself and those around you means continuing to hope. Hope for a solution. Live in the joy of hope—even when enduring sadness and hardship. Find strength to hope for a future without depression and anxiety. Love does not interfere with others’ hoping for these things alongside you.
Love perseveres/endures.
Real love continues to persevere until a help can be found. Elimination of self is not loving perseverance. Those who love you will persevere through the season. Show love to them by choosing to persevere until help and healing can take root.
The Most Loving Thing You Can Do is Persevere in Finding Healing.
The darkness of depression can cause, even the clearest-thinking individual to become confused by lies and sadness. Depression is painful, can feel shameful and embarrassing, the mental agony can seem unbearable. If you’re there right now, know that healing is possible and it’s out there. The most loving thing you can do is persevering to find healing—not eliminating yourself.
If You Love Someone Struggling, Point Them to the Truth In Love.
If someone you love is in this headspace, love them by pointing them gently to Truth. Remind them it won’t always be like this, they are not a burden, and you’ll fight for healing alongside them. It might save their life.
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO…
Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Above all, thank you for being here and for your support. It’s an honor to share my testimony with you and I’m excited to see the great things God does through your journey.
Trigger warning: In an effort to normalize conversations, I’m sharing my military spouse perspective on suicide and the fear that a mental health crisis may affect our husband’s career. While this account does not contain anything graphic, it does include examples of toxic thoughts.
I asked for help, even in the primary care clinic.
I sat on the crinkly white paper. I’d probably come in with a sore throat. Or maybe it was an earache. Whatever the cause, it was a minor malady. I’d already cried that morning. Somehow I found clothes, brushed my teeth, braided my hair. This appointment was the driving factor getting me out of the house.
The tech took my blood pressure and asked the basic mental health screening questions. A few months prior, I may not have been utterly transparent. Now, I didn’t care if this man thought I was crazy. There was no reason to deny I was in crisis. Some days I could barely function. I was desperate for someone to tell me how I could stop my brain from collapsing.
My answers indicated I needed more help than a round of antibiotics for a sinus infection.
The providers probably meant well, but their words were dangerous.
Here’s the part I hesitate most to share. This scenario played out twice, maybe more, in the months I spent waging war in mental health crisis. I don’t think these healthcare providers acted in malice. As active duty military members, I think they acted according to their mission mindset. Maybe they thought their words would be helpful—maybe they’d be the tough love I needed to “snap out of it.”
I don’t hold a grudge. However, I think recording these encounters is important. Military spouse perspective on suicide and depression needs to be normalized. There is no room for stigma when lives are on the line—and when it comes to depression, lives are on the line.
Once a professional implied I was a burden I started to consider how life would be better without me.
I heard the familiar double-knock that always accompanies a healthcare provider entering a room. We discussed my intake answers.
I remember one asking, “Have you considered how incredibly selfish this is? Your husband is living his career dreams. This is his time. Right now, he needs to focus. This could affect his career. Maybe you can wait and sort this out after he’s done. Just think about it.”
I remember another saying, “Just picture the years of military commitment like a clock counting down. Eventually, you could have a different lifestyle. Then maybe your depression will get better. Until then, try to see this from your husband’s point of view. This is a heavy burden to lay on him. This could affect his career. Can you understand that?”
No. I was never suicidal in that I had a plan. But words like this pushed me dangerously close. Hearing those words from professionals I came to for help was devastating. After these encounters I started considering how much better Derek’s life would be without me.
No, I never had a plan. I never attempted. But there was a season when I was convinced the world would be a better place if I could just be gone.
There’s hope and truth.
Friends, if those words were said to me–they’ve probably been said to someone else. If you’re thinking the people you love most would be better without you, I see you. I’ve been you. And it’s a lie. You’re valuable. It won’t always be this way. There is hope. There is healing. The process of finding that healing can be arduous–I’ve been there, I’m working to make it less so. But healing can be found. You are worth the fight.
Speak truth with grace, tough love doesn’t work.
September is Suicide Prevention Month. The military spouse perspective on suicide needs to change. We need to know it’s safe to share what’s going on. If lives are going to be saved, there is no room for tough love or tough-it-out attitudes.
If I know one thing for certain, it’s that we are fully capable of filling our own minds with negativity, self-doubt and lies. Use your words to speak truth, hope and love. Be honest, but gentle. Depression is complicated and can be life threatening. Let’s lift each other up and point each other to the Source of Hope. You just never know who may be on the brink.
Colossians 3:12-16 | Love each other.
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also. In addition to all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ, to which you were indeed called in one body, rule in your hearts; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
One More Thing
For more encouragement, truth and transparent sharing that will normalize the mental health conversation among milspouses and Christians, join me on Instagram. I’d also love to connect with you through my monthly letter, full of good words and useful bits–see more here.
The following is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote at the beginning of Derek’s most recent deployment. While he was quarantined stateside (but gone from our home), we had a Zoom meeting with a young couple as part of their premarital counseling. They are the exact ages we were when we got married, 22 and 23. They’d soon be starting their life as a married, military couple. The question we discussed that most stands out to me is, “What is a good thing about deployments?”
Our conversation blessed me. We were two weeks into our latest separation, my first as a mom of two. Honestly, I felt like I was drowning. The clarity this conversation forced on me is exactly what I needed. It was God showing up in the midst of the grief the early days of deployment always bring.
I captured a series of self portraits during the deployment. This one was taken on the day I’d be asked, “What is something good about deployments?”
WHAT IS A GOOD THING ABOUT DEPLOYMENTS?
I glanced at the monitor, amazed that everyone was quiet and sleeping so our conversation could be had in peace. Deployment leaves you a special, unique kind of tired. Today was no exception, but at the same time I was glad to be having this conversation.
“Okay, the next question is…What is something good that comes from times of separation and deployments? Can you tell us a good thing about deployments?” What a wise question to ask.
I was surprised by the answer that was ready on my lips.
“The best thing about being separated from Derek for a season is that it brings clarity about my identity. It forces me to recognize that I am fully complete in Christ alone. My identity does not rest upon being Derek’s wife, or having him around. When he’s gone, I remember that I am fully equipped and capable in Christ to carry on and do what life will ask of me.
“I tend to be a bit of a leech, clinging on to whatever is familiar, especially my people. I had terrible separation anxiety from my parents as a child–then from Derek as an adult. That’s not healthy. These seasons force me to break off any unhealthy attachment and remember that it’s okay to just be Amy. Don’t get me wrong, I hate being away from Derek. But good always comes from it. Good will always come when we more fully submit our identity to God.”
I stand by that. Is it painful? You betcha. Do I wish it could be done a different way? Yep. But this is good. Really good. The kind of good that would be a lot harder to find if I wasn’t forced into a deployment circumstance.
I wish someone had told me that 12 years ago. I wish someone had told me lots of things 12 years ago.
There is hope, there is reason, there is progress. Even in these terribly hard days. It seems like no good will ever come from being forced apart, but with God good things are always probable.
Separation Diary: March 26, 2021
I NEED YOUR HELP | ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO
Recently, I started penning sample chapters for a memoir detailing my experience with mental health crisis as a Christian and military spouse. YOUR help will get the book published. The easiest way is click “FOLLOW” on Instagram or sign up for my monthly newsletter via email (below). Your support demonstrates interest in this story and these words of hope.
Above all, thank you for being here and for your support. It’s an honor to share my testimony with you and I’m excited to see the great things God does through your journey.
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