Let’s talk about feeling anxiety again after overcoming anxiety.
We got some hard news last week.
In fact it’s the kind of news that is “triggering” for me. Five years ago it would have plunged me into a full panic attack followed by inability to eat, anger, and a dark depression that froze me from carrying out basic daily tasks.
Although I now think of myself as “healed from anxiety and depression,” there is still a corner of my mind that is fearful it will return. Sometimes I’m afraid things will fall completely apart again. And if it does, how will I ever recover?
If you’ve ever dealt with ongoing depression or anxiety you may relate. When I lived with chronic cycles of anxiety and depression I didn’t know when the next lapse would come. When would the news arrive that would plunge me underwater? How long would it last? Would I survive? Would my marriage survive? How many things would fall apart in the meantime?
So, when the news came and met me in my kitchen while I was mid-blend on my nightly smoothie—I felt some fear. I felt an icy cold flash shutter down my body. I felt my heartrate pick up. My mind ran wild with a million thoughts—too fast to capture one and pin it down.
And all the while, I heard my mind whispering, “Is this it? Is this the moment that proves there really is no healing? You are anxious. If you’ve found healing you shouldn’t be anxious.”
After a few minutes, which felt much longer, I realized I wasn’t succumbing. No, this wasn’t a relapse—or the moment that proves healing doesn’t exist. It was a moment that proves that anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, and fear are part of the human experience.
“It was a moment that proves anxiety, sadness and overwhelm are part of the human experience.”
Let me lay some hard-learned truths on you:
If you’ve battled anxiety, depression, self-loathing or any kind of plaguing negativity—healing does exist and it is possible. This is not a cycle you need to live in forever.
Bad news will come knocking. There’s no way to live a life filled with only easy, happy moments.
Living above anxiety doesn’t mean never feel anxious again. It means you’re able to experience anxiety, process it and return to equilibrium and rational thought in a reasonable timeframe.
When something triggers you, it is possible to take your thoughts captive. Your mind works for you—you are its master, not a slave to runaway thoughts.
When something triggers you, you are allowed to grieve through the sadness and anxiety. Being healed from anxiety doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel those emotions.
You are allowed to grieve. If you are feeling anxiety again, even after overcoming anxiety–you aren’t broken.
The truth about grieving is that it is proactive, productive and comes to an end.
Here’s how things progressed for me: I didn’t magically feel instantly better. I didn’t get it figured out. My mind continued to race. My stomach felt sick. I didn’t drink my smoothie. I cried and questioned and mourned that I couldn’t create a quick solution. The night was restless. My eyes were puffy in the morning. Tears started up again over the coffee maker. All the while my heart was crying out in groans only the Holy Spirit could interpret—because I wasn’t even sure how to pray. Eventually I pulled myself together through most of the day. But then the tears started again over dinner.
Days passed. Slowly things got easier, more clear. The shock wore off and anxiety hadn’t swallowed me up. Nothing was fixed, but Derek and I were united in prayer and making an intentional choice to trust God. To stand on the Truth that He can bring blessing and redemption from awful circumstances. We’ve seen Him do it before and we believe He can do it again.
I can’t tell you how this particular season is going to resolve. But this is a testimony that you are allowed to feel anxious, even after overcoming anxiety.
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