When You’re Stuck by Circumstances
In January, Derek came home with the unexpected news that he’d been assigned to an upcoming deployment. For me, momentum had been building steadily with my writing goals and I’d finally said, “Yes,” to God’s prompting to start penning a long-form memoir about my experience with mental health crisis. In that moment in the kitchen, after the boys were in bed and my hand was on the blender, preparing to mix my nightly protein shake, everything came to a halt.
Now instead of feeling creative and ready to move forward toward the things I believed God had clearly set in front of me—I was frozen. As if I was unknowingly playing freeze tag, this moment was my tag, causing me to stop midstride.
Have you ever had a moment like that?
My entire focus shifted. We planned for months apart. Seven, to be exact. Uneasiness and uncertainty welled up inside every time I thought about doing life without my husband for “most of a year.”
Writing is always a welcome outlet for me, but when military assignments, especially deployments, are in the picture, the best policy is silence. Unable to fully disclose was what happening in our home and in my heart, I wrote vaguely about anxiety and emotions. The headspace once open for writing, book proposals, and dreaming up creative endeavors was crowded out with dreaming up reasonable consequences for a defiant three year old and ways to convince an infant to sleep all night.
Hemmed in by daily responsibility, fatigue and operational security measures, I felt claustrophobic. Stuck. Lodged between the need for silence and the desire to share my heart transparently.
Finding Freedom Within Hard Circumstances
I had an image of a dog pulling on a taut tether in my mind. I was frustrated to be restrained in my pursuits. However, as in all difficult seasons, growth happened and peace grew once I stopped straining against the circumstances. Like the frustrated dog, when I stopped snapping my jaws at things beyond my leash, my throat relaxed and I could breathe again.
I wasn’t off the tether, I wasn’t unstuck—but I was able to thrive in the space I was given at the time. I was able to see the unique beauty and opportunity within these circumstances. God is a kind, responsible master. The tether He gives us is always long enough for the space we’re in at the time.
I loosened my grip on the things I thought I’d accomplish in these months and allowed myself to be happy amid the daily grind of wiping faces and preparing PB&Js. It wasn’t a perfect practice. Many days I was overwhelmed and cranky because I remembered that I was stuck in some respects. But mostly, we were okay.
Moving Forward Again
Now, I’m coming down from a season of heightened awareness. The kind that comes from being vigilant for two. My mind is shaking loose. I’m becoming unstuck, dislodged. As a person recently stuck, here’s my advice:
Circumstances can leave you stuck, really stuck, but circumstances are faithful to change and you’ll move forward again. When you are stuck in one way, growth will be forced in another way. Find a way to weather the circumstances you’re in, even enjoy them. Eventually, the growth that stalled will move forward again.
Why the Deployment Ended Early and Why I Would Have Been Okay, Even if it Didn’t.
PS—for anyone wondering how seven months apart turned into four, it went something like this. Shortly after Derek left, President Biden announced all troops would be out of Afghanistan by September 11. That would reduce our time apart to six months.
One day in early June Derek mentioned the possibility of an even earlier return. Then, in late June, just days before I would travel to Indiana with the boys he told me his homecoming was imminent. We’d be back together after only four months apart. I was surprised that I wasn’t overwhelmed with giddy relief. Instead, I felt excitement, but also a deep confidence that we’d be okay if he really didn’t return for a few more months. This was puzzling at first, but ultimately a sign of growth, hard fought, well earned.
More Positivity and Encouragment
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